Season X: Parent Trap
by NMI123
Summary: July 1999- Laura and Steve go to Urkel Oaks for Laura's first Urkel Reunion. While they are grateful to catch up with Myrtle and other familiar faces, both Laura and Steve are painfully aware that it will be the first time they've seen Steve's parents since they missed his wedding. How will they react to his new wife? How will Steve react to his parents now that he's grown so much?


**Author's note: Welcome back to late July of 1999, folks! As always, thank you for reading and reviewing! :)**

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon," Steve pressed as he rushed Laura out of their apartment, struggling under the weight of their three suitcases. "We're gonna miss our flight, Turtle Toes."

Laura slipped out of the door carrying only her makeup bag and her purse. "Steve, are you sure you don't want me to carry the little one?" she begged for the ninth time.

"I'm sure, Wonder Woman," he said as he closed the door with his foot and bent at an awkward angle to lock the door with his key. "Now," he said, standing up almost straight again, "Let's get a move on."

"Howdy, Urkels," Eric chuckled as he approached his door. "Where are you two headed?"

"Hey, Eric," Laura said.

"Howdy, Neighbor!" Steve chirped. "We're headed down south to the big Urkel family reunion!"

"Really?" he smiled. "Whereabouts?"

"Bilox-IIIIIII!" Steve screeched as Laura's heel slammed sharply down on his big toe on that last syllable. He jumped and dropped all of their luggage to the floor. He finally stood up straight and glared at her. "What was that for?"

Laura rolled her eyes as Eric chucked. "She's trying to get you to avoid mentioning Myrtle, and I appreciate the effort, but it's not necessary, Laura. I'm doing ok."

Laura smiled softly. "I'm glad," she said.

Steve stared at him for a moment. "Nope. Not buying it!" he exclaimed eventually.

"What?" Laura gasped, glaring at him.

"This man has been bitten by the love bug, and it's still got its fangs in him. He's not over Myrtle. He's under her. Six feet under her!"

"Steve!" Laura scolded.

Eric chuckled and looked down at embarrassment. "No, that's ok, Laura. He's right."

Laura looked back at him. "Really?" she asked sympathetically.

"Really," he agreed.

Laura frowned at him. "Eric, you've gotta move on."

"I've tried!" he promised, raising his hands in surrender. "I swear! I've been on tons of dates since, but… there's no one else like her."

Laura looked to Steve at her side. "I know what you mean."

Steve smiled at her and pulled her against him. Then he got an idea. "Hey!" he exclaimed loudly, making the other two jump. "You should come with us."

Laura widened her eyes at Steve. "What? Are you insane? No, he shouldn't!"

Eric furrowed his intense brow at her. "Well, damn, girl. I don't wanna vacation with you either!"

Laura chuckled and turned back to him. "No, that's not what I mean. You know that. Of course, you are more than welcome to join us. I just don't think it would be a good idea. Myrtle made herself pretty clear. You don't wanna be that guy."

"That guy?" Steve parroted. "You mean… Me?"

Laura looked back at him. "Oh, no, Honey. That's not what I mean. I love your huge romantic gestures. I just don't think Myrtle would appreciate something this crazy from a guy she barely knows." Laura looked back at Eric. "You understand?"

"Yeah. Of course," he nodded. "I've never really been one to chase a girl for long anyway. I'll get over it. Any day now."

"When she comes back to town, you guys can talk and see if there's still a spark worth exploring," Laura suggested.

Eric nodded. "Sure," he said, turning back toward his door. "Have a fun trip, guys."

Laura turned and walked away as he made his way inside his apartment. Steve went to pick up the suitcases, but before he did, he pulled Myrtle's invitation out of his pocket. He looked at it for a long moment and then slipped it under Eric's door. Only the individual man can decide how much crazy a girl is worth. No one else can make that decision for him. He placed his hand on the door and stood a moment in silent support. Then he grabbed the suitcases and struggled down the hall in a hurry to catch up with Laura.

Laura looked at Steve, taking his hand. "You have nothing to be nervous about," she promised.

"I know," he agreed.

"I'm the one who's seeing my in-laws for the first time since I was in high school. I'm the one who's supposed to be nervous."

"I know," he acknowledged. Still, he squeezed her hand tighter.

She leaned closer to him. She figured that if he couldn't be comforted, maybe she could at least distract him. She moved her hand from his and placed it on his thigh. "Hey," she purred, "why don't you lemme get your mind off of it?"

He looked at her. "Ok," he agreed immediately.

She raised her eyebrows. She had expected it would make it him uncomfortable, not that he'd go for it. Maybe he hadn't understood. She leaned closer to his ear and moved her hand closer to his groin to make her point more explicit. "You and I could sneak back into the bathroom now that they're serving drinks, and... we could get a little naughty?" she proposed, waiting for him to flip out.

He nodded adamantly. "You head on back. I'll meet you there in a minute. Go to the handicap lavatory. There'll be more space."

She pulled back. "Wait. Really?" she laughed. "I was kidding."

He looked back to her. His face flushed. "So was I," he lied quickly.

Laura grinned. "No, you weren't!"

He looked down at his lap. "I'm sorry, Laura. I didn't mean to be a pig. I just…. I'm just really needy right now."

Laura looked at him for a long moment. "Count to 100. Then follow me back," she whispered.

He turned to argue with her, but she was gone before he knew it. Not wanting to stand her up, he began counting as wild fantasies flashed before his eyes. This was a terrible idea, but he couldn't resist. The second he reached one hundred, he was out of his chair and speed walking down the aisle, avoiding everyone's eyes. He knew they didn't know, but he couldn't help but feel like they did.

When he reached the handicapped door, he knocked softly. Laura slid the door open immediately and pulled him in with her. She locked the door again and threw her arms around his neck. She kissed him savagely, wrapping a leg around his waist. "Did anyone see you?" She asked when she broke the kiss.

"I don't know," he shrugged.

She giggled softly and rolled her eyes. "We have to be fast, Baby. Eat me out, just until I'm wet enough."

Steve's heart started to pound. What were they doing? How did he get here? He got on his knees and pushed her skirt up. He pulled her thong aside to give him access, and he immediately began to suck her clit. He slammed his fingers deep inside of her, relieved she was already a little wet. He looked up at her, waiting for her to moan, but she was just biting her lip. Hard. Her eyes met his, silently praising him. He moaned softly, "Mmmm…"

With one of her legs around his shoulder, she used that knee to bump the side of his head. "Shh…" she scolded.

He looked up at her with a wicked grin and moaned again, slightly louder and longer. "Mmmmmm…"

She gawked at him and pulled away. She grabbed him by the shirt collar and yanked him to a standing position. She kissed him again and went straight for his belt. She unbuckled it quickly and dropped his pants and boxers to the ground. She was glad to see he didn't need any warm up. She turned around and braced her hands on the sink. He came up behind her immediately and met her eyes in the mirror. "Don't worry about me coming, Baby. I'll let you make it up to me later. Right now, I just want you to relax and fill me up, ok?"

He nodded, kissing her neck as he made his way to her entrance. He continued to kiss her as he slipped inside. He bit her softly to avoid calling out to her.

"Oh!" she gasped in pleasure and pain. She reached one hand up to his head, stroking it gently as he began to move in and out.

He moved slowly and deliberately, trying to rub her insides exactly the way she liked. He placed his hand on her still fabric-covered clit and began to rub her.

"Mmm…" she moaned against her will. He grinned at her in the mirror. "Steve, she scolded in a harsh whisper. "Faster. You need to come."

He began to move faster, but he didn't give in. "You first," he ordered.

"Steve! Oh!" she giggled as he bit her earlobe. She bit her lip to avoid screaming. "We're gonna get caught," she warned quietly as he pounded into her.

"Then come," he ordered.

"Mm," she grunted, barely holding herself together. "Steve, I'm nowhere near ready," she complained.

"Then neither am I," he countered, looking away from her to keep himself under control.

She smiled as she realized he was only holding on by keeping his eyes off of her. She began to unbutton her blouse, revealing her sexy, hot pink bra. "Steve, Baby, look at me," she ordered.

Against every instinct in his body, he listened to her and looked back at her. His hungry gaze landed on her bouncing breasts in the mirror, moving in rhythm with his thrusts. "Oh, GOD!" he yelled as he looked back to her eyes. "Oh, Laura, I love you," he groaned as he came deep inside her.

"Ohhhhh…" she purred as she felt him unload in her. She pushed back on his chest, not wanting to waste time. He regretfully slipped out of her. She turned back around and knelt in front of him. She licked his sensitive member clean as quickly as she could while he whimpered. Then she pulled up his underpants and pants and buckled his belt. She tucked in his shirt as he stared at her, still in the awe of the afterglow. When he was fully dressed again, she pulled him in for a long, deep kiss. When she finally pulled away, she wiped her lipstick from his lips. "Take a deep breath," she instructed. "Then head back to our seats. I need a minute to clean up."

He nodded and took a deep breath. He pecked her on the cheek before slipping out of the bathroom. He turned to head back to his seat just as he heard a woman clear her throat behind him.

"Ahem."

He turned around slowly, sweat beading on his forehead and his face growing hot with embarrassment.

"You know I could have you two arrested for that?" the stewardess reminded him.

"Uh…. A-a-arrested for what?" he stammered.

"Go back to your seat," she commanded.

"Yes, Ma'am," he nodded, rushing quickly back to his seat.

Laura returned a couple of moments later, looking as calm as ever. She sat beside him and leaned into him, wanting her post-sex snuggles, quickie or no quickie.

"That was stupid," he said eventually. "We almost got caught."

She grinned, "So the stewardess got you, too, huh?"

"Yes. We shouldn't have done it," Steve said firmly.

"Didn't you like it?" Laura pouted at him, batting her eyelashes.

"Of course, I did," he sighed, wrapping his arm around her.

"Do you feel a little better about seeing your parents?" she asked softly.

"I actually haven't thought about it in a while," he admitted.

She smiled and kissed his cheek. "Then I think my work here is done."

When they arrived at Urkel Oaks, Myrtle was greeting guests on the front porch. She leapt into the air when she saw them. "Yoo-hoo!" she hollered, waving her handkerchief at them.

Laura and Steve walked up to the porch, hand-in-hand, with a valet trailing behind them with their bags. Laura released Steve's hand to hug Myrtle. "Hi, Myrtle," she said, embracing her tightly.

Myrtle, being far stronger than Laura, squeezed back just a little too tightly. "Hello, Darlin'," she giggled.

"Oh!" Laura called as Myrtle squeezed. She staggered backward into Steve's arms when she released her.

Steve steadied her and hugged Myrtle.

"Howdy, Cousin Steve!" she squealed.

"Hi, Myrtle!" he said as enthusiastically as he could.

Myrtle pulled back to glance sideways at Laura. "What's got his udders in a knot?" she asked through the side of her lips.

Laura pursed her lips and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Steve's just a little nervous about seeing his parents," she explained.

"Laura," he scolded in a harsh whisper, "don't tell people that!"

"It's just Myrtle, Steve," Laura shrugged.

"Still…" he complained.

"Oh, hush, now, Steve. You ain't got nothin' to worry about. Your Ma and Pa have been here for just over an hour, and they're dying to see you," Myrtle said.

Steve's heart started to hammer its way out of his chest. "They're already here?" he asked.

"Well, sure. You know they're never late for a reunion!"

Steve cleared his throat nervously and tried to control his breathing. "Well, I guess we better get in there," he squeaked. He took a step forward, but Laura grabbed him and pulled him back into her arms.

"Hey," she interrupted, rubbing his back. "Relax. We have a minute."

"I just wanna get it over with, Laura," he said softly.

Laura continued to rub his back in slow circles. "Ok," she agreed eventually. "Ok. Myrtle, do you know where they are?"

"They're in the backyard, talkin' to Big Daddy," she said, pointing.

"Thanks," Laura nodded, slipping her arm into Steve's. "We'll see you later."

Laura began to lead Steve through the huge mansion. As they reached the backdoor, Steve stopped in his tracks.

"Laura," he began.

"Yeah?"

"There's something I have to tell you about my parents," he mumbled.

Laura cocked her head at him and placed her hand on his back again. "What is it, Baby?" she asked.

"Before my parents moved to Russia, they -"

"Oh, my GOOOOOD!" a voice squealed from the other side of the screen door. A tall, slim woman flew inside and wrapped her arms tightly around Laura.

Laura gasped and hugged her back, looking over her shoulder at Steve, silently asking him who on Earth this woman was.

Steve looked away and cleared his throat. "Um. Laura, you remember my mother, Roberta," he said softly.

Laura pulled back to look at this woman. She certainly did remember Steve's mother, but not like this. Steve's mother was short, stout, and all around geeky. This woman was tall and thin, with curves where it counted. She was dressed and made-up better than Laura, and though she was clearly older, she had aged extraordinarily well. "Um. I thought I did?" Laura said, looking up at this stranger with wild eyes.

"Oh, Sweetie, Steve didn't tell you?" she asked.

"Tell me what?"

"Before Herb and I made the big move to Russia, we hopped into Steve's silly, little transformation chamber to get a fresh start," she giggled.

"Oh!" Laura said, trying to feign excitement. "Well… Um… Congratulations?"

"Thank you!" Roberta smiled. "And you, my dear, I can't tell you how surprised I am to see you!"

"You're surprised? Why are you surprised?" Laura asked, furrowing her brow.

"Well, when Steven told us you two were getting married, we just assumed he'd plum lost his mind," she laughed as if she were remarking casually.

Laura looked at Steve, completely horrified, as he looked down at his feet to avoid her eyes.

"That's why we didn't show up to the wedding! But here you are! And you didn't even get fat or anything!" she said excitedly.

Laura's jaw dropped, but as she moved to respond, Roberta turned quickly to Steve.

"Steven," she began, speaking softly as she teared up, "I can't tell you how proud I am of you."

Steve looked her in the eye again hesitantly. "You are?" he asked weakly.

"Absolutely. She's beautiful," Roberta grinned.

Steve smiled bashfully and looked at Laura. "She sure is."

Laura couldn't help but smile back at him, even though everything she'd just witnessed was breaking her heart.

"And you married her. We never thought you could do it, but you did. Congratulations," she said, pulling Steve into her arms.

Steve gasped and hugged her back as if it was the first hug he'd ever received from his own mother. Laura felt tears coming to her eyes, and she turned away so as not to take this moment away from Steve. It was one of the saddest things she'd ever seen, but she knew it was one of the best moments of his life. How could his parents be proud of him because his wife was pretty? He was an incredible man who did more good than anyone Laura had ever met, but they were proud of him, for what seemed like the first time, because of her? How did he turn out so well?

Roberta released Steve and turned back to Laura. She grabbed her hand and began to pull her out to the deck. Steve followed proudly behind them. Laura glanced back at him. He looked completely at ease now, and she was dumbfounded. If that was this meeting going well, what on Earth had he expected to happen?

"Herb!" Roberta said as she dragged Laura up to Steve's father. "You need to give our daughter-in-law a big hug!"

Herb Urkel was once a scrawny man with a voice higher than Steve's. Now, however, Laura had to look way up to him. He was tall and buff. He no longer wore glasses, and he dressed as well as Stefan. He was a little older, but like his wife, time had left him be. If Laura hadn't already disliked this man so much for the way he had treated his son, she would have been flustered by his charming, Professor-like sexiness.

"Laura," he purred in a deep, sensual voice. He leaned in and kissed her cheek before hugging her tightly. "I can't believe you're here."

Laura hugged him back to the best of her abilities. The moment he pulled away, she moved back to Steve, holding onto him tightly.

Herb took a few steps forward and offered his hand to Steve for a shake. "Congratulations, Son," he smiled.

"Thanks, Pop," Steve grinned excitedly, shaking his hand rapidly.

"So, sit down, kids," Roberta said, gesturing to a couch across from them.

Laura and Steve sat. Laura cuddled as close to Steve as possible, wanting nothing more than to drag him away from these monsters before they could hurt him.

"So, Laura, tell us," Herb began. "What is an incredibly sexy woman like you doing with a loser like Steve?" Herb, Roberta, and even Steve laughed loudly, as if there were something truly hilarious about that cruel question.

"Um… Well," Laura began, wanting to destroy these people for talking about Steve like that, but also knowing that Steve would never forgive her for it. He wanted a relationship with his parents, and she had no right to tell him he was wrong to feel that way. Her job was to be as supportive possible, so that he always knew to fall back on her when he needed to. She moved closer to him, placing a hand on his chest and stroking it gently while he ran his fingers through her hair. "Steve is anything but a loser. It took a long time, but he won me over by being the kindest, most generous, most loving man I've ever met. He's my hero, honestly," she said, looking up at him with stars in her eyes.

Herb snorted, but not an Urkel snort. It was more like a cruel snort of disbelief. "Yeah, ok."

Laura turned to glare at him. What was wrong with these people? Who could talk like that about their own son?

"So, Laura," Roberta continued, "you're going into law, right?"

Laura looked at her. "Yes," she nodded politely.

"So you must be a smart cookie?"

Steve smiled proudly. "The smartest."

Laura sat up straighter. "Not as smart as Steve, though. You two should see the work he's doing. He's -"

"Uh-huh, sure. So what about kids? Are you two planning to have them?" Roberta continued.

"Definitely," Steve exclaimed.

Laura blushed and nodded. "Someday," she added.

"Oh, now, don't wait around too long, Laura. We want you to carry on the family line before this whole thing falls apart," Roberta chuckled, gesturing between them.

Laura gawked at her. "Excuse me?"

"Yoo-hoo, Urkels!" Myrtle called. "Dinner is served!"

After dinner, Steve made sure to take Laura around to each and every Urkel in attendance, and Laura didn't mind one bit. She was happy to see him happy and proud as he showed her off. While the Urkels didn't all react kindly to Steve's presence, they were all more pleasant than his parents, and that was good enough for Laura for the time being. This was going to be a long weekend.

"Laura!" Steve said excitedly. "I want you to meet my grandpa. He wasn't able to make it up to Chicago for the wedding, but he sent us that lovely cheese grater, remember?"

Laura laughed to herself. "Of course! One of, I wanna say…, 18 cheese graters we got from your side of the family?"

Steve furrowed his brow and looked at her quizzically. "Well, yeah, 19, but you say that like it's a bad thing!"

Laura laughed again and took his arm as they started walking back into the house. "I didn't even know your grandpa was still alive, Honey. You're not close, right?"

Steve shrugged. "Well, no, but I always wanted to be. He's just been sick for a long time. He hasn't been able to spend much time in Chicago since I've been born. He's 93, you know!"

"Really?" Laura asked. "I thought Urkels had kids right after they got married, for the most part."

"They do," Steve nodded. He stopped just inside the living room and turned to her, grabbing her hands tightly. "It's just that most Urkels take a lot longer than I did to find the one person in the world who will… tolerate them." He stepped closer to her. "I was just lucky enough to find my soulmate at the age of five… which gave me more than enough time to wear her down way before we hit thirty."

Laura giggled. "Well, aren't you a lucky Urkel?" she cooed.

"The luckiest," he purred.

She leaned close to his ear and whispered, "You can get a lot luckier tonight if you play your cards right."

He pulled back excitedly and whispered, "Yowza!" Raising his eyebrows at her goofily.

She laughed again and looked around. "Where is Grandpa Urkel?" she asked.

"_Papa_ Urkel," Steve corrected. "He's around here somewhere. So anyway, Papa Urkel had my dad when he was about 35. My parents had me when my dad was 37, so Papa Urkel was… 72. Now, I'm 21, and he's 93!"

Laura nodded, following along well enough. "Ok, so when was the last time Papa Urkel was in Chicago?"

"The day I was born," Steve replied. "Yeah, I don't know… It was like the man met me and suddenly became violently ill. He hasn't been above the Mason-Dixon line since!"

Laura frowned. _Another relative that can't stand to be around Steve? Great._

Steve took her hand and led her over to a recliner tucked in the corner of the massive salon. "Papa Urkel?" Steve began meekly.

"Eh?" the old man croaked, looking up at Steve and squinting in confusion.

"It's me, Steven. Steven Q. Urkel? Herb's boy?" Steve prompted, sitting on the coffee table across from him.

"Oh," the old man frowned deeply. "Oh, right. Steven. How are you, boy?"

Steve smiled brightly and looked up at Laura. "I've never been better," he answered honestly.

Papa Urkel followed his eyes up to Laura. He eyed her suspiciously. "Who's this harlot?"

Steve cringed slightly and looked up at Laura apologetically. "This is my wife, Laura, Papa Urkel. We just got married in May. We missed you at the wedding," Steve said loudly, hoping to be heard through Papa Urkel's well-aged ears.

"I sent a gift, didn't I?" he growled.

Laura smiled sweetly and leaned in. "It is so nice to meet you. Steve has told me so much about you!" she lied.

Papa Urkel glared at her.

"So… Um… I can't tell you how much I love being married to your grandson. He is the sweetest man alive," she said honestly, turning to Steve slightly to smile at him.

Papa Urkel leaned forward and coughed loudly. "I'm missing my stories," he complained, using the remote to turn the TV up louder.

Laura and Steve nodded uncomfortably. "So we'll see you later then," Steve shrugged, grabbing Laura's hand and leading her away.

"Eh!" Papa Urkel shrugged.

Steve opened the back door for Laura and led her back out into the yard where most of the festivities were. He paused off to the side and pulled her closer. "I'm sorry about all that. He's just so old."

Laura nodded. "I understand. I'm sure he didn't used to be like that."

"Well…" Steve shrugged uncomfortably.

"It doesn't matter," Laura said, shaking her head. She stepped closer to him and kissed him softly. "All that matters is that we're here. I'm with you for the first time at one of your family reunions. Let that sink in. I'm an Urkel."

Steve smiled brightly. "You're right. This is the best day. A few years from now, maybe we'll be chasing a couple rugrats through Big Daddy's peanut fields."

Laura licked lips and nodded. "Someday, we will definitely be doing that, but for now, can we just focus on us?"

"Sure, Sweetums," he nodded, kissing her again. He pulled away from her and took her hand, leading her to another relative who had just arrived.

By the end of the night, Laura was more than ready to get Steve upstairs so they could really talk. She kissed his cheek and took him by the hand. "Are you ready, Baby?" she whispered.

"Oh, not yet, Sugar Toes. I'll be up in a minute."

Laura leaned close to his ear. "Say goodnight, Baby," she whispered. "I promise I'll make it worth your while."

Steve's eyes widened. "Night, Mom. Night, Dad," he said standing. Laura giggled and stood beside him.

Myrtle stood next. "Oh, now, y'all are turning in already?" she pouted.

Steve wrapped an arm around Laura's waist and held her to him. "Yeah, we're pretty beat. It was a long flight," he said, winking at her.

Laura blushed and pinched his cheek. "We'll be up bright and early tomorrow," she promised.

"Not too early," he purred in her ear.

Myrtle quickly grew flustered as the adults in the circle stared up at them suspiciously. "Well, let's get a move on then. I'll show you two to your two, _seperate _rooms!" she announced loudly, walking away.

Laura and Steve exchanged a glance before following closely behind her. Myrtle led them upstairs, shushing them each time they tried to speak. She opened a door at the end of the hall and pushed Steve in. "Night, Cousin Steve!" she screamed before slamming the door in his face. She grabbed Laura, dragged her to the next room, and pulled her inside. "This is your room, Laura," she announced. She shut the door behind them and walked toward the bathroom as Laura followed her, still trying to figure out what was going on. Myrtle opened the door at the other end of the bathroom and led Laura into Steve's room. Steve, still scratching his head, turned to them as they entered. His face was contorted in confusion, as was Laura's. Myrtle took a deep breath and sighed. "Whew. You two horn dogs certainly didn't make that easy," she chuckled.

"Make what easy?!" Laura finally exclaimed.

Myrtle rolled her eyes. "Honestly, how soon you Yankees forget!" She stared them down, but they only returned the stare blankly. "You two have only been married for two months and three weeks!"

Steve gasped. "Oh!"

"What?" Laura demanded, still confused.

"Laura," Steve whispered, "we haven't passed the Urkel three months yet."

"So? We decided not to wait for that!" she reminded him in frustration.

"Well, I know that, and Steve knows that, but do you really want Steve's parents to know that?"

"I don't really care what they know," Laura grumbled.

"Well, I do, Laura. They're finally proud of me. I don't want them to know that we broke the tradition," he said sadly.

Laura frowned at him. "So... what, Steve? You wanna sleep in separate rooms all weekend?"

"I guess," Steve agreed guiltily.

"Oh, don't be foolish. You two can still share a bed. That's why I set you up with this Jack and Jill bathroom. You two can cuddle all night so long as you come out of seperate doors tomorrow morning," she winked.

Laura grinned. "Myrtle, you minx!"

"Just trying to help a sista out, Suga'!" she giggled. "And I assume you'll keep my sexy secret for me?" she whispered.

"Of course," Laura promised.

"Good. That would just kill Big Daddy," she laughed as she walked out the door. "Night, y'all!" she called as she exited through the bathroom. After she opened and closed Laura's door, she yelled dramatically, "Night, Laura! Sleep tight!"

Laura laughed and turned to Steve. She smiled at him flirtatiously. "This is kinda fun, actually… A little forbidden lust?" she purred breathily, pressing her lithe body against him.

Steve's face grew hot, and he stepped back. "Laura, maybe we shouldn't do that here," he whispered.

"What?" Laura asked. "C'mon, Steve. Myrtle took care of everything for us. Nobody has to know," she promised.

"What if they hear us?" he asked softly.

She took his hands in hers. "We're adults. We're married. So what if they hear us? We're in love, Steve. That's a wonderful thing."

He sat on the edge of the bed. "Can we just talk for awhile?" he proposed.

Laura sat beside him, growing concerned. "Of course, we can, Honey. I wanna talk to you about something, too."

"You do?"

"Yeah," she agreed, "and you know, Steve, we don't have to do anything you don't really want to do. I'd never ask you to do that, but I do want to sleep in the same bed tonight, ok?"

He leaned his head on her shoulder. "We haven't slept apart since we moved out on our own."

"No, we haven't, and I don't really wanna start again. I don't think I'd be able to sleep without you."

Laura and Steve got ready for bed. They climbed into the bed in Steve's room, because it was a little bigger, and Laura lay down in his arms.

"What did you wanna talk to me about?" He asked.

Laura pursed her lips. "You go first," she suggested.

"I had so much fun tonight," he smiled.

Laura raised an eyebrow at him. "Really?" she asked in disbelief.

"Yes! Sweetheart, my parents are proud of me!"

"Because of me?" She couldn't believe this night had been pleasant for him. They had spent the whole night putting him down and talking her up.

"Of course," he grinned, kissing her. "How could they not be?"

"Steve, don't you think there are… better reasons to be proud of you?" Laura asked hesitantly.

His brow furrowed. "What have I ever done that's better than convincing you to marry me?" he asked sincerely.

"You literally made history by becoming the first student in space?" she offered seriously. His inability to recognize his own successes would have been comical if it weren't so horribly sad.

"Laura, marrying you is so much better than that. You know I would have given that up if you'd asked me to."

"I would have never asked you to do that! You're just never allowed to go again," she reminded him.

"I won't," he agreed. "It wasn't anywhere near as beautiful as the stars in your eyes," he cooed.

Laura's cool stare melted as his cheesy line distracted her. "Oh, Steve," she purred, leaning in to kiss him.

He let her kiss him for a moment, but then he pulled away. "We can't get too hot and heavy, Angel Lips, or I'll never get to sleep," he warned.

"Well, who knows? If they're that proud of you for marrying me, imagine how proud they'd be to hear you give me an orgasm," she grumbled.

His brow furrowed as he read her sarcastic tone. "Is something wrong, Laura? What did you wanna talk to me about?"

She looked at his sweet, innocent face and couldn't stand the thought of him realizing just how horribly his parents were treating him. She took a deep breath and sighed. "It's nothing," she said dismissively. "I'm fine as long as you're fine."

"Why wouldn't I be fine?" he asked sincerely. Her face fell, which he saw immediately. "Laura, what's wrong?"

She bit her lip to hold back the tears and shook her head. "Nothing," she whimpered.

"Laura Lee, please don't lie to me," he scolded softly.

She inhaled abruptly and nodded as a couple of tears escaped. "You're right. I'm sorry. I just… I hate the way they talk to you, and about you, and about me."

Steve grew protective immediately. "What did they say about you?"

"That I was the best thing that ever happened to you, that you could never do better than me, that it was a miracle that I fell for you," she cried.

"Laura, my love, that's all true," he whispered, cuddling closer to her and stroking her hip. "That's all true."

"No, Steve, it's not. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I could never do better than you. It was a miracle that you waited so long for me."

He shook his head. "I'm the lucky one, Laura Lee. Everybody knows that."

"I don't know that!" she countered. "I don't believe that. You weren't lucky, Steve. You're incredible. You are an amazing man, and that's why I fell for you. It wasn't luck. It was… destiny, and you knew that a few hours ago. I hate your parents, Steve. They're destroying you, and you don't even realize it!" she blurted suddenly.

Steve sat up. "You hate my parents?" he repeated.

Laura's jaw dropped. _Oops._ "Well, I…. Yes," she admitted quietly. She couldn't believe how sincerely hurt he looked.

"That's a horrible thing to say," he replied.

"I know," she agreed, sitting up beside him.

"Why do you hate them?"

"I didn't… before we got here. I didn't like them much because they're terrible parents who have never been good enough for you, but I was going to try… for you. I knew that you wanted them to like me, so I was going to try, but when we got here, and they fawned all over me like I was God's gift to the world, insulting you the entire time… I don't even think it was that. I think it was the way… you agreed with them. They'd say something terrible, and you'd smile and nod and laugh, and I just hate that they can make you do that. I hate that they can take away what I've been trying to build in you for months."

"What you've been trying to build?" he questioned.

"I want you to love yourself, Steve, and I want you to feel confident in our relationship, but they called you a loser, and you laughed."

"It was a joke," he countered.

"It was a terrible joke. My parents would never make a joke like that."

"No, but your father said it to me for real once," he reminded her. "Your parents aren't perfect, Laura."

"I never said that they were," she defended.

"It's not your job to fix me, Laura. It's not your job to change me, ok?"

"I'm not trying to change you."

"You _are_!" he argued. "You're trying to change me for the worst reasons, too. You just want your life to be easier. You want me to feel confident so I won't be so jealous. You want me to love myself so that I won't need constant reassurance."

"Steve, that's not true!" she interrupted. "That's not true at all. How could you say something like that to me?"

"How could you say you hate my parents?"

"Because you hated them a few hours ago!"

"No, I didn't!"

"You didn't call for Mother's Day or Father's Day or any other day. You haven't called them since before the wedding. You were done with them! You said I was your family!" she cried.

"So you're jealous of them?"

"No, Steve! I would love for you to have a healthy relationship with your parents, but I can't just sit here all weekend and watch them bully you!"

"They're not bullying me! They're proud of me! I'm having fun! Or I was until I talked to you!" Laura's face contorted in pain, and he heard his mistake. "I didn't mean it like that," he said quickly. "I'm sor-"

"Don't," she interrupted. "Just don't." With that, she lay back down and turned away from him.

He turned off the lamp at his side and took off his glasses. He lay back, neither cuddling close to her, nor turning away. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too," she sniffled.

Laura woke to Steve nibbling her ear. "Mmm…" she moaned softly. Laura rolled onto her back and looked up at him. "Morning," she smiled softly, reaching up to stroke his face apologetically.

"Good morning, Sunshine," he purred back, cocking his head at her with as much regret in his eyes. "I'm sorry about last night."

"Me, too," she agreed. "I never should have said what I did."

"No, l don't want you to keep something like that from me. If that's how you feel, I wanna know."

"I don't hate them," she tried nervously.

"Yeah, you do," he frowned.

"Well, I don't want to hate them. I'm trying, Baby. I promise I am."

"I know you are. I could tell you were uncomfortable yesterday, but you were polite and charming. Thank you for trying. I know that couldn't have been easy for you, not snapping at everything they said."

"Oh, no," she chuckled. "Is that the reputation I'm gettin' in that big brain of yours?"

"Kinda," he shrugged. "It's very sweet, though, that you want to protect me."

"Of course, I want to protect you," she pouted, stroking his cheek again.

"I'm a grown man, though, Laura. I don't need to be protected."

"Neither do I, but that hasn't stopped you yet."

He smiled softly. "Yeah, ok. Good point."

"We shouldn't have gone to sleep so angry last night."

"We just needed some time to cool off," he explained. "But we're ok now, right?" he asked sheepishly.

"I think we are if you do."

"Yeah, I think we're ok," he nodded, kissing her softly.

"Mmm… Well, you know what we have to do to prove it, don't you?"

"Laura," he scolded, "someone will hear us. It's morning."

"Hmm…" she mused, sitting up. "Maybe we can just try to be really quiet." She slipped her top over her head and freed her breasts. She smiled at him seductively as she slipped out of her shorts and panties. She pushed the bedspread and sheets down further to expose her body. She lay back and propped herself up on her side. "Come on, Steve. You're not just gonna leave me hangin'?"

He swallowed hard, his eyes locked on her body. He had never managed to turn her down when she was already naked. "We really shouldn't," he croaked.

"The Urkel three month tradition is silly. You never wanted to do it anyway. You know I didn't make you do anything you weren't very, very ready for. I didn't make you do anything you hadn't… been waiting your whole life for."

Steve slid closer to her. He met her eyes again and smiled sheepishly. He placed a hand on her bare hip and leaned over her. "You have to be very, very quiet," he ordered.

"Or what?" she teased.

**Knock, knock, knock.**

Steve jumped and rolled away from her. He grabbed the comforter and covered her completely, even her head.

"Steve," she complained in a whisper.

"Sh!" he hushed, pleading with her to be quiet and stay put by giving her hand a gentle squeeze under the covers. "Who is it?" he asked nervously.

"It's me," Myrtle called.

Laura and Steve both relaxed. "Come in," Steve said eventually.

Myrtle slipped in, and Laura came out from under the covers, keeping her body covered. "Morning, love birds," she grinned. "I just wanted to suggest that you don't come out at exactly the same time this morning. One of you should head out first and then knock at the other person's door."

"Good thinking, Myrtle."

Laura rolled her eyes. "You two sure are going to a lot of trouble for this silly tradition."

"You would too if you were an Urkel, Laura," Myrtle explained. "The Urkels take this tradition very seriously."

"Why?" Laura asked.

Myrtle sat on the edge of the bed, not paying any attention to the fact that Laura was obviously naked. Laura pulled the sheets closer and scooted away.

"It all started with our great, great uncle, Elias Benjamin Urkel. He was but a simple farmhand who wed the gal next door, who he assumed was just a simple farmgirl. They wed in April. She died of syphilis in July." Laura's eyes widened. "Course, being that that's an STD, Great, Great Uncle Elias went just a few months after. It was on his deathbed that he told our great grandfather, Thomas Herman Urkel, to wait three months before consummating his marriage. The tradition's been passed down ever since."

Laura's jaw dropped. "What? So Steve was supposed to wait three months to consummate our marriage, in case I had syphilis?" she demanded, glancing at Steve, who turned his head in embarrassment.

"Oh, no, Darlin'," Myrtle laughed. "Nobody gets syphilis anymore, but in case you have HIV or AIDS or Herpes or-"

"Myrtle," Steve scolded, "she doesn't." He was growing uncomfortable at the implications being made about his sweet, innocent wife.

"Oh, I know that," Myrtle agreed, "and you know that, but you know how important this tradition is to this family."

"I don't understand. How would waiting three months prove that I don't have an STD? Sometimes, those can take much longer to reveal any symptoms," Laura continued.

Myrtle nodded. "Well, nowadays, the three month tradition ends with a trip to the doctor's to get checked the day before."

"But why not just do that before the wedding?" Laura exclaimed.

"Why… it's a tradition, Laura!" Myrtle cried.

Laura laughed in frustration and shook her head. "Ok. Fine. We'll stagger our exits so nobody gets suspicious"

"Good," Myrtle said. "See y'all at brunch!" she called as she headed back toward the door.

When she was gone, Laura looked at Steve, who was still looking anywhere but at her. She scooted closer to him again and placed her hand on his back. He jumped. "Hey, relax, Steve," she begged.

"I'm sorry about that… insulting tradition, Laura. You know that I know you were… pure when we got married."

Laura smiled softly, ready to tease him. "You don't _know_ that I was-"

"Don't joke about that, Laura," he interrupted immediately. "Please."

Laura stopped in her tracks. She wasn't going to joke about it, since he clearly didn't find anything about this situation funny. Still, part of that troubled her. "Steve?" she asked softly.

"Yes?"

"If I hadn't been a virgin, would you have not wanted to marry me?" she asked sadly.

Steve met her eyes again for the first time in a while. "I didn't say that."

"No, but I'm asking," she pressed.

Steve hated the thought of her being with other men, but he couldn't imagine any situation in the world that would have made him not want to marry her. "Of course, I would have still wanted to marry you. Laura, nothing you could do could change how I feel about you."

Laura relaxed slightly. "But you would have been upset, right?"

Steve frowned. "Yes, Laura. That would have broken my heart."

"Why?"

Steve furrowed his brow at her. "How can you ask me that? Think about how special it's been for us to explore all of this together. Can you imagine what it would feel like if one of us had already experienced all of this?"

Laura shrugged. "I don't know, Steve. I'm glad you're my one and only, and I'm glad I'm yours, too, but I came really close with a couple of guys, and it scares me that making a mistake like that when I was so much younger could have hurt my chances with my soul mate."

He lay back down and pulled her with him. He climbed on top of her, trying hard to ignore the sight and feel of her naked body as they continued their intimate conversation. "Nothing you could have done back then could have hurt your chances with me. You and I are meant to be together. That's all there is to it."

She smiled softly. "I know we are," she admitted weakly.

"But I'm still very glad that you waited for me."

"Me too," she agreed, "and I'm also very glad you were way too horny to wait an extra three months."

He smiled down at her, his cheeks growing hot with embarrassment. "I waited fifteen years to have you, Laura Lee Winslow. That was long enough," he purred almost confidently. Her smile brightened, and his lips came down to hers. He pecked her softly and then whispered, "I love you."

Her arms wrapped around his neck. "I love you, too," she purred before capturing his lips again.

Their kiss grew more passionate as she wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him closer. His hands drifted lower, stroking every inch of her satiny skin until he finally gripped her butt.

"Mmm…" she moaned.

He kissed down to her neck and began to suck on it as his other hand slowly made its way to her breast. Just as he cupped it, there was a faint knock at Laura's room nextdoor. Their eyes shot open as they both ran through the same thought process. Myrtle knew no one was in Laura's room, which meant they were in trouble.

Steve scrambled away from her, rolling quickly as far to the other side of the bed as possible. His heart was hammering in his chest, and he watched Laura nervously. Laura leapt out of bed the second he was off of her and reached for her pajamas. She slipped on her shorts and began to run into the other room as she slipped her tank top over her head. "Just a minute!" she called as she slipped her robe on. She opened the door wide quickly and smiled brightly at Steve's mother. "Good morning, Roberta," she grinned nervously.

"Good morning, Laura!" Roberta chirped.

It was at that moment that Steve realized that both bathroom doors were still open. Slowly and silently, he rose from the bed, trying to close his door without drawing attention to the fact that their rooms were conjoined.

"Did you sleep well?" Roberta asked.

"Like a baby!" Laura exclaimed, stretching dramatically.

Roberta eyed the completely made bed behind Laura. "It sure looks like you made yourself at home," she joked suspiciously, pointing to the unchanged bed.

Laura glanced back at it and cursed herself silently. "Oh," Laura chuckled awkwardly. "I made it after I got up a few minutes ago. I always try to keep a clean house. I was in the bathroom when you knocked," she explained, though she knew damn well it was Steve who made their bed every morning.

"Oh, well, all right. Can I come in for a minute?" she asked.

Laura shrugged, uncomfortable with the intrusion but well aware she couldn't refuse. "Of course," she answered opening the door wider.

Just as Roberta entered the room, Steve managed to shut his door nearly silently. He sat against it with his ear to the wood, desperate to hear the conversation.

Roberta took a seat on the edge of Laura's bed. "Take a seat," she insisted. Laura sat beside her. Roberta looked at her and smiled brightly. "I love having you as a daughter-in-law," she began.

Laura smiled uncomfortably. "Thank you," she replied. "I love… being married to your son." That was as close as she could get to returning the compliment without blatantly lying.

Roberta's smile brightened. "I don't see why, but I'm so glad." Laura moved to respond to that, but Roberta continued quickly. "Anyway, the reason I wanted to stop by and speak to you in private for a minute is… Well, I think that you and Steve should have a baby. Right away."

Laura looked away. She wanted to have a baby with Steve, but not yet. "That's sweet, Mrs. Urkel, but -"

"Dr. Urkel," she corrected, "but call me 'Mom'. Please!"

Laura hesitated. she really didn't want to do that. "Um. Well, anyway, I do want to have a baby with Steve, but I'm not ready yet."

"Well, that's ok. You and Steve still have a week before you consummate your marriage. You'll be ready by then," she said confidently.

"No, Dr. Urkel-"

"Mom."

"Roberta, I won't be. I don't wanna have a baby until I finish law school and get my career started. Steve knows that."

"But, Laura, Sweetie, that'll take years."

"I know," she acknowledged, "but I want to be a working mom, and I want to be able to do that well. I have to establish myself before I can split my attention between work and a baby."

"Well, Laura, I support working women. I went back to work an hour after Steven was born."

"An hour?" Laura repeated in shock.

"Sure. There was an emergency surgery, and I was there anyway. I handed Steve to the nurse and scrubbed right in."

Laura tried to conceal the expression of horror on her face.

"Honey, I worked all through Steven's childhood. Usually, Herb and I worked twelve hour days, and we were great parents! You wouldn't know it to look at Steve, but-"

"What?" Laura spat without thinking. "You were great parents?" she repeated.

As if God intervened himself, there was a knock at the door, stopping Laura from tearing this woman to shreds. She was grateful for the save. She smiled softly at Roberta. "Who is it?" she called.

"Your adoring husband," Steve called sweetly through the door.

Not an act of God. An act of Steve. Laura smiled brighter and turned to Roberta. "Thank you for… taking an interest, and I promise you'll be a grandmother someday soon, but this is really between me and Steve, so if you'll excuse me…" Laura stood and walked to the door. She opened it, and Steve casually ducked his head inside.

"Good morning, Sunshine," he purred.

She smiled and winked at him knowingly. "Good morning, my love," she purred. She leaned in to kiss him passionately, but he leaned closer, pecked her on the lips, and stepped back out of her reach.

He glanced casually behind Laura as she frowned at him. "Roberta! Good morning!" he smiled as calmly as he could.

She nodded coldly. "Morning, Steve. Anyway, think about what I said, Laura," she instructed as she stood and headed out the door.

They watched her go and then looked back at each other. "That was a close one," Steve snickered.

She smiled softly. "It was. Now, get in here and make love to me before I have to get on my knees and beg," she teased.

Steve felt a chill run up his spine. "As much as I would love to see that, you know we can't. Go get ready. Brunch is in a half hour. I'll meet you downstairs."

Laura frowned as he stepped out of her room and turned to leave. "Wait! We're not even gonna talk about what she just said to me?"

"Later," he promised.

After Laura had showered, styled her hair, done her makeup, and dressed, she finally made it downstairs, only fifteen minutes late for brunch. She paused at the door of the dining room. It was trippy to see so many Urkels up and down Big Daddy's long, elegant table. The family resemblance really stood out.

"Laura!" Steve called near the end of the table, waving to her excitedly.

She smiled at him gratefully as he finally pointed himself out. She walked almost the entire length of the enormous table to reach him. "Hi, Baby," she purred, kissing his cheek and sitting beside him. She smiled brightly at Myrtle. "Good morning, Myrtle."

"Morning, Laura," Myrtle winked.

"Dr. Urkel," Laura greeted curtly, nodding at Herb.

"Oh, please, Sweetheart," he cooed, "call me Dad."

Laura smiled uncomfortably and shrugged.

"So, Laura, I was just telling everyone about the little talk we had this morning," Roberta grinned excitedly.

Laura's jaw dropped. "Oh, you were? Th-that wasn't private?" she squeaked uncomfortably.

"Oh, no, Dear. We're all family, and this is a family decision, right?" Roberta giggled.

Steve's hand landed firmly on Laura's knee and squeezed it comfortingly, begging her to keep her cool.

"I guess," she said through gritted teeth.

"Steve seems more than ready," Roberta assured her.

Laura turned to him slightly. "Oh, he does, does he?" she glared, smiling at him obnoxiously, silently thanking him for making her the bad guy.

Steve smiled apologetically. "Yes, my love. You already know how I feel about this. I'm happy to wait as long as you want me to, but I'm ready to be a daddy whenever you're ready to let me be one."

Laura's face softened at his sincerity. "I know that, Honey," she said seriously, "but you know how I feel about this. I won't be ready until I finish law school, pass the Bar, and get my career started."

"I know," he nodded sadly.

"Laura," Herb interrupted, "we've been discussing it, and we're just a little worried that you might be waiting around for something better to come along." He chuckled after he said it and took a big bite of his croissant.

Laura felt Steve's grip on her knee tighten, but she ignored it. "Excuse me?" she challenged.

Herb looked up, surprised he had offended her with what he thought was such an innocent, obvious remark. "Well, if you have a baby with Steve, you're kinda stuck with him. The longer you wait, the more likely it is you'll find some better genes to tie yours to."

"Oh, Herb, that's ridiculous!" Roberta scolded, allowing Laura to relax slightly. "He's got great genes. It's what he did with 'em that's the problem," she laughed.

Laura tensed again, growing more uncomfortable when Steve laughed too. "I-" Laura stopped herself as she felt Steve squeeze her knee again. "I'm sorry. I have to run out for a little while. I… I have to run an errand. Excuse me," she said quickly, standing from the table and running out of the dining room.

"Laura, wait!" Steve called running after her.

Laura ran out to the rental car and had opened the door by the time Steve had caught up to her. He grabbed her arm and pulled her away from the car. "Laura, wait!" he repeated. "Where are you going?"

Laura bit her lip, holding back her tears. "I don't know," she whispered, "but I can't be around them right now if you want me to be nice! I need a minute!"

"Laura, Sweetheart, you need to relax. You can't take all of this so hard. You have to learn how to let things roll off your back. How do you think I survived my childhood?"'

Laura shook her head as the tears finally escaped. "Honestly, I have no idea."

Steve cocked his head at her and frowned deeply. "Let's go for a walk," he suggested. "Just you and me."

Laura nodded and took his hand as he reached out to her.

For several minutes, they just walked, moving further and further out into Big Daddy's vast land, putting some space between them and the reunion. Steve gave her a minute to get some time and distance between her meltdown and the moment they were in. When he felt she'd had the time she had needed to calm down, he paused and led her over to a lone tree on the edge of the field. He sat in the shade beneath it and pulled her down with him. "Laura, I know my relationship with my parents isn't perfect. I'm not crazy, and yes, there have been times, especially recently when I've considered just never contacting them again. I was really hurt when they didn't come to the wedding, but Sweetheart, I still want them in my life. They're important to me."

"I know that, Steve," she admitted, "but I hate the way they talk about you. They're… neglectful, Steve. If I had realized that when we were growing up…" She trailed off for a minute as she thought about their childhood. "Steve, did they ever hit you?"

"No," he defended eagerly. "Not once, and honestly, Sweetheart, they didn't used to talk to me this way. Not exactly this way anyway. Before they transformed their DNA, they weren't quite as happy, so it was more snide comments and occasional yelling than this cruel nonchalance," he explained.

"Oh, that makes me feel better," she said sarcastically.

"See? Comments like that!" he chirped with a sly smirk.

Laura giggled and elbowed him gently. "No kid should grow up in a house like that," she said gently, looking at him sympathetically.

"There's that look again," he warned her.

Laura took a deep breath and looked away. "I'm sorry, Honey. I know you don't like it when I pity you, but… I can't help it!" she exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air in exasperation.

Steve laughed and snorted. He kissed her forehead. "It's ok, Sweetums. You can pity me, but there were a lot of kids worse off than me. I was fed. I had a home. They never hit me. They never really touched me much at all, actually, but I digress. I wasn't a happy kid, but I had people and things in my life that made me happy," he promised, looking at her with adoration in his eyes. "You made me happy."

"I was a terrible friend to you."

"Not always, and you know? Honestly, it didn't matter. Looking at you made me happy. It still does," he cooed.

"Steve, I think we should sit your parents down before the weekend is over and talk to them about the way they treat you."

"Laura," he squirmed uncomfortably, "that's not necessary."

"Hey," she urged gently, grabbing his chin in her hand. "How are you and I ever going to have a baby without you figuring out what was and wasn't ok with your parents?"

"I have your parents as an example," he insisted urgently. He didn't want to talk to his parents, but he desperately wanted to convince her they were ready to start a family.

"You need to talk to them, Steve. I'll be by your side the whole time. I'll help you any way I can, but we need to work this out if you want to have them in your life. I refuse to have my children hear their grandparents talk about you like that."

That was a good point. "I'll think about it, Laura," he said gently.

"Ok, and you know I'd be happy to talk to you about anything that you need to talk about."

"Ok," he agreed. "Thank you, Kitten."

"You're welcome," she replied, kissing his cheek.

"Do you wanna keep walking for a while, or are you ready to go back?"

"Let's keep walking for a while," she purred. "I have an idea."

Laura led him way out in the field and into a barn that must have been a mile from the house. "Laura, what are we doing in here?" he asked.

Laura turned back to him and smiled flirtatiously before she dropped her dress to the hay covered ground.

Steve's eyes widened involuntarily, striving to take in every inch of her body. "Whoa, Mama!" he cried.

Laura stepped forward in only her bra and thong. "Uh-uh, Baby. Mama ain't here. It's just you, all alone, with your _desperately _horny wife."

Steve felt his member stand at full attention. "Down, Boy!" he scolded it in a harsh whisper.

Laura giggled and reached back. She unhooked her bra and dropped it aside.

"Laura," he said urgently, "we can't do this here. What if we get caught?"

"We won't. It's the weekend. Who's gonna be working in the barn on the weekend?" she challenged.

Steve knew this was a bad idea, but he was having trouble thinking of a way to explain that to her. He was having trouble thinking at all. "I can't lay you down on this dirty, rough floor. Your fragile skin needs silk sheets," he pressed.

Laura giggled again. It wasn't like they had silk sheets at home, but she got the point. "So don't lay me down," she suggested, stepping up against him. "Why don't you just bend me over?" she purred.

Steve's knees gave out, and he nearly toppled over. He grabbed the stable post behind him to steady himself. He stared at her longingly as she turned around and pulled off her thong. Her evident wetness shone brightly in the sunlight. In broad daylight. He reached out to her and grabbed her hand. He yanked her closer to him and opened the stable door behind them. He pulled her inside and into the shadows, concealing her from the rest of the world. He kissed her passionately and then got on his knees in front of her. He grabbed her thigh and pulled it up on his shoulder. He leaned in close and inhaled her scent deeply before he began to pepper her with kisses below her waist. Finally, he began to lick her slit, slipping his wet, strong tongue deep inside of her. He moaned deeply as she did. "Mmmmm…"

"Ohhhh…" She placed her hands on the back of his head and pulled him closer. "That's it, Baby," she purred.

He pulled his tongue out and kissed her gently several more times. Then he licked around her clit, teasing her shamelessly.

"Baby, please," she whimpered.

Finally, he began to suck on her clit in a fast, urgent rhythm. His hand shot up to caress her breasts while the other held her to him by gripping the flesh of her butt forcefully.

"Oh, Steeeeeeve," she mewled. She raised a hand to a post behind her to support herself as her knees began to shake. "Yes, Baby. Eat me," she encouraged.

He released her clit in response, smiling to himself as she whined softly from the abandonment. Then he moved back to her slit, sliding his tongue in and out, savoring her delicious flavors. She was so, so wet. He couldn't wait any longer. He stood up suddenly and pulled her against him. He kissed her hard and then smacked her butt. "Turn around," he ordered. He saw a twinkle in her eye as she smirked and turned around. He came up behind her and rested his member against her. It nestled easily between her big cheeks. He grinded himself against her, loving the way her big butt cradled and stroked his most sensitive area. Finally, he lined himself up with his entrance and pushed his way inside. "Oh, Laura," he groaned, sliding himself in further as her walls squeezed him tightly.

"Oooooo," she whined.

He pulled out slightly and pressed in further. "Oh, Baby. You feel so good," he cooed, leaning over her slightly to get closer to her.

"So do youuuuu…"

He pushed in further until he was completely buried in her tight folds. He paused for a moment to enjoy the sensation before pulling out to his tip and sliding in again. "You're so wet," he growled.

"Yeah, Baby. I'm so wet for you. Keep going. Just like that," she encouraged.

He kept moving in and out of her as they found a mutual rhythm. He loved the way she moved with him, never willing to be passive in their lovemaking. He slammed his hips forward and grunted again and again as she slapped her big booty back against him faster and faster.

"Yes, Steve," she moaned. "Give it to me."

He began to move faster and thrust harder. He was moving so fast, she couldn't keep up.

She pulled away from him, removing his member from her body, and turned around to look at him. He was panting heavily and dripping with sweat. She stepped close to him and placed a hand on his hammering heart. "Steve, slow down. You're supposed to get me off this time. You owe me from the plane, remember?" she pouted.

_Oooo, that pouty lip! _ He nodded quickly. "I know. I'm sorry. I just got excited."

Laura smiled sweetly. "I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. I certainly was too. I just don't want it to end yet," she smiled.

Steve nodded again. "I know." He stepped closer to her again. She started to turn around, but he grabbed her shoulders and stopped her. He reached low, just below her big booty and lifted her up. He looked down between them. "Uh… Sweetums? My hands are kinda full," he explained, squeezing her cheeks. "Do you think you could…?"

Laura looked down between them and giggled as she reached for his member. She lined it up with her entrance and guided him inside. As he began to thrust in rhythm again, she wrapped her arms around his neck. "Oh, Steve," she purred.

"Oh, Laaauraaaaa…" he moaned in response. He lifted her up and down his member. He wanted to move faster and faster, but he resisted, stroking her insides deeply and slowly.

Laura closed her eyes as she really felt the change in his demeanor. She could tell she was his sole focus at the moment, and she loved every moment of it. This man was relentlessly devoted to her. He followed her every direction, both spoken and unspoken with ease. He touched her in all the right ways and didn't stop until she was well over the edge. "STEVE!" she cried as she came.

She squeezed him and shook in all the right ways as he thought intensely about Carl in a bikini to prevent himself from letting go with her. As she calmed down, he allowed himself to look at her again. _God_, she was beautiful. She panted heavily in the afterglow. He forced himself to pull away from her. "I love you," he whispered as he pulled out.

"I love you, too, Baby," she replied as her feet landed on the ground. She leaned against a pole behind her. She looked down at his glistening member. "You're still so hard," she said softly as both an affectionate statement and a question. "You didn't come?"

Steve shook his head and leaned into her. "Not yet," he admitted. "As much as I wanted to fill you up with all my ooey-gooey love, I figured you might not want to head back for family pictures, hay rides, and the disaster that is the Urkel Annual Fireworks with my warm, sticky buttercream frosting running down your legs."

Laura guffawed. "Good Lord! Just call it cum, you freak!"

Steve smiled bashfully. "That word's just so dirty."

"Nothing is as dirty as those euphemisms you come up with," Laura laughed as she got on her knees. She gripped his member firmly and began to stroke him. "Thank you for thinking of that, Genius. I was so preoccupied with my need to be filled with every last drop," she purred, "that I forgot about the logistics of that. You won't mind if I swallow it instead, will you?"

"NOT AT ALL," Steve squeaked, moving so he could rest his back against the wall.

Laura giggled at his reaction and then took him into her mouth. Her eyes closed as she tasted her own juices all over him. She much preferred his musk, but she was certainly getting used to tasting herself as they made love. Between his lips constantly being covered in it as he kissed her and her own desire to taste his member over and over, she had certainly been exposed to it enough. She was definitely beginning to associate her scent with the fun they had together. It was becoming a turn-on to her. "Mmmmm…" she moaned loudly as he reached the deepest point of her mouth available to him. He bit his lip silently and trembled, looking everywhere else but at her. She pulled away and leaned under him. She began to suck on his balls.

"Oooooo…" he peeped.

She pulled away slightly. "Look at me, Baby," she demanded. "Look at me while I suck your balls."

Steve's eyes popped open, and he met her eyes again.

She grinned wickedly. "Good boy," she purred, diving back into working on his meat. Her head bobbed back and forth in a steady rhythm.

"Faster," he croaked. "Faster, Laura Lee. Please. I'm almost there."

She followed his every direction until she felt him grip her hair hard and pull as he groaned loudly.

"Laaaaaauraaaaaa!" he bellowed.

Laura cringed slightly as the hot, thick substance poured just a little too far down her throat. She swallowed what she could as she pulled away coughing.  
Steve breathed heavily as he recovered and finally noticed her struggling. "Oh, Laura, my pet, I'm sorry."

She shook her head and cleared her throat. "No, it's ok. I'm ok. Just lemme finish cleaning you up."

"You don't h-AAA-AVE tO," he shivered as she began to lick his extra sensitive body part again.

She sucked off every last drop of his cum and wiped her face. She stood up again and smiled at him seductively.

He stared at her longingly for a long minute, and then he shook off the desire. "We have to get out of here. We're both buck naked in a barn," he whispered urgently.

Laura giggled and stepped into him. "C'mon! It was fuuuun," she whined. "Admit it."

Steve smiled at her flirtatiously. "Of course, it was fun! It's always fun! That doesn't mean it's right."  
Laura touched her nose to his. "I don't know. We've been out of town for less than 24 hours, and you've already had your way with me on a plane and in a barn. I don't care if it's bad. It sure feels right to me, you wild stallion."

Steve grinned brightly at the compliment. He whinnied loudly.

Laura giggled and kissed him passionately. "Go put your clothes on, and I'll ride you back to the house, Seabiscuit," she winked.

Steve laughed and snorted. "That is not a sexy nickname."

When Laura and Steve made it back to the house, they tried to act casual. They found Myrtle in the dining room, overseeing the clean-up of brunch. "Where on Earth have you two been?" she demanded. "We've all been worried sick!"

"I'm sorry, Myrtle," Laura said. "I just needed some time to cool off. Roberta and Herb have really been getting under my skin."

"They do have a way of doin' that, don't they?" she mused. She cocked her head at Laura and reached out to her hair. She pulled a piece of hay out of it and raised an eyebrow. Laura blushed and looked down immediately. "My, oh, my… Mrs. Urkel, did you go for a little roll in the hay?"

"Shh!" Steve scolded. "Myrtle!"

Myrtle chuckled and grinned at her cousin. "You know Big Daddy has cameras in the barn, right?"

Steve and Laura's eyes widened. No, they had definitely not known that.

"We had a little problem with bunnies gettin' into our feed. Big Daddy was convinced it was one of the farmhands, so he had cameras installed."

Steve completely froze. Laura looked up at him nervously. This was all her fault. He was never going to forgive her. "Myrtle, is there anything we can do? Nobody can see that tape! Especially here!" Laura begged.

"I'll take care of it," Myrtle promised. "I'll pull the tapes aside myself."

Steve finally exhaled. "Thank you so much, Myrtle!"

Laura looked at her with so much gratitude in her eyes. "Yes," she agreed. "Thank you."

"It's no problem," she said, walking toward the backdoor. "I'll even save it for you," she winked as she walked out.

Laura tried to tell her that wasn't necessary, but she was long gone. Laura looked back up at Steve and smiled uncomfortably.

Steve looked back at her with nothing but love in his eyes. He kissed the top of her head and pulled her against him. "It's ok, my love. You didn't know."

"Thank you, Steve," she sighed. She pulled away, still holding onto his hands. "I should go apologize to your parents."

He nodded sympathetically. "I would really appreciate it."

Laura took a deep breath. "Yeah. Ok. Let's go," she said as she pulled him out of the kitchen by the hand.

They followed the sound of voices out to the backyard where they found a large group of Urkels engaged in a game of croquet. Laura ducked as a ball came flying toward her face, shattering the window behind her.

"Did I do that?" a nasally voice called from a distance.

Laura couldn't help but chuckle as she breathed a sigh of relief that she hadn't just broken her nose. They walked down to Steve's parents who were watching from the sidelines. "Roberta? Herb?" Laura began.

"Hey!" Roberta said excitedly. "There you two are! We were getting worried. Where have you been?"

"We just took a long walk so I could cool down a little bit," Laura explained. "I'm very sorry about the way I stormed off."

"That's ok, Dear," Herb replied. "We know these are big decisions."

"They certainly are," Laura agreed.

"We'd just like you to consider our point of view," he explained.

Laura's jaw clenched. She didn't believe anyone had a right to have a point of view about when she decided she was ready to grow a parasite in her uterus, but Steve hadn't given her the go ahead to confront them on anything yet, so she took a deep breath and nodded. "Will do," she squeaked.

Steve raised an eyebrow at her. _Well, wasn't that an unconvincing lie?_

"Steven," Herb began, "could I have a word with you, man to man?" He chuckled to himself. "Well, man to almost-man."

Laura twitched slightly as she insisted on maintaining an almost-smile.

"Of course, Pop!" he chirped.

Laura took a seat by with Roberta as the boys walked off.

"Listen, Son," Herb said as he got far enough away, "I've been meaning to talk to you about what's ahead of you next weekend. I know we didn't talk a lot about the intricacies of intercourse when you were growing up, but I think you're old enough now. Right?"

Steve felt sweat begin to drip out of every pore. "Umm… Sure."

"I wouldn't bother if you'd married someone in your league, but girls like Laura have expectations."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, look at her, Steve. She's gorgeous."

"Yeah," he agreed without a second thought. "She's the most beautiful woman in the world, but I still don't know what you mean."

Herb stopped in his tracks. "Women that sexy are often a little more experienced than you by this age," he explained softly as he stopped by a cooler by the deck. He bent low and pulled out two ginger ales. He handed one to Steve.

Steve took it but didn't move. "I'm sorry," Steve growled. "What are you saying?"

"Laura's not a virgin, Steve. You need to go into next weekend with a few tricks up your sleeve to keep her satisfied."

"What?" Steve exclaimed. "Of course, she's a virgin! She's told me a hundred times she's never been with anyone else."

"And maybe that's true, or maybe she told you that because she knew that's was you wanted to hear. How did you ask her exactly?"

Steve thought back to the first time he asked her that question point-blank.

_It was only a few days into their engagement. Laura was sitting with him at the kitchen table with a thick binder full of her wedding planning materials. She had wasted no time._

"_So that brings us to the honeymoon section," she said as she was touring him through the many, many pages already in the binder. No decisions had been made yet, but she had certainly gathered enough material for them to work from. As Steve was marveling at the amount of work she had accomplished in just four days, Laura's hand slid under the table and landed high on his thigh. He jumped slightly and turned to her. "I'm really looking forward to our honeymoon," she purred, lust dripping from her voice, not that he'd recognized it at the time._

_Steve smiled nervously. "Me too," he replied, but that was a lie. He was terrified of their honeymoon. It was days upon days when he was just supposed to… what? Ravish her? Sure, she could write off a bad first time, but what about a bad twentieth time? How was he supposed to spend a week alone with her somewhere with nothing to do but something he knew he was going to be bad at? Although, he hadn't even brought up the Urkel three-months yet. Maybe she would prefer it that way. It would save her three months of putting up with his clumsy, awkward lovemaking._

_Laura shook her head, the scent of the oil in her hair bringing his attention back to her. "I don't think you understand," she said. "I'm __**really**_ _looking forward to it," she purred again._

"_Right," he agreed. "Me too."_

_Laura couldn't resist the urge to roll her eyes at him. She took a deep breath and scooted her chair closer to him. "Can I tell you about my dream honeymoon?"_

"_Yes," he nodded._

"_I'd love to go somewhere beachy with you, like a tiny island with no one around for miles. I wanna stay in a tiny hut on the ocean. Maybe there's only a hammock or something for a bed. That'll let us really devote our time to exploring… each other."_

_Steve looked at her in shock. "WHAT?" he gasped._

_Laura looked away in embarrassment. "Not the reaction I was hoping for…" she mumbled._

_Steve swallowed hard. Of course, it wasn't. Nothing he did would be good enough for her when it came to this stuff._

"_It's just, some people honeymoon to these really extravagant places, like France or Italy, not that we could afford that anyway, and then they never see any of it because they spend all their time in bed. I don't want us to have any distractions."_

_Steve still couldn't say anything._

"_C'mon, Steve, you have to say __**something**__."_

_Steve looked her in the eye again. "Can I ask you a question?" he asked softly, his voice wavering._

"_Anything," she agreed readily._

"_How far have you gone with a boy?" he whispered._

_Laura's eyes widened. She took a deep breath and looked him dead in the eye. "Steve, all I've ever done is kiss other guys. I promise. I've saved everything else for the right man, which, to my pleasant surprise, has turned out to be you."_

_Steve's brow remained deeply furrowed, and he was beginning to sweat. "Where did you kiss them?"_

_Laura cocked her head at him. "Um… I guess the couch in the living room, in some backseats at Paradise Bluff or wherever we parked, uh…"_

"_No," Steve said. "That's not what I meant. I meant where… on their bodies, and on your body!"_

_Laura's lips parted in surprise. "Seriously, Steve?"_

"_Seriously!"_

"_On the lips!" she exclaimed._

"_Is that all?"_

_Laura thought hard for a moment. "Well, no. We've necked, and stuff."  
_"_Where, Laura?" he pressed again._

"_On their lips, and cheeks, and foreheads, and necks, and ears. Happy?"_

"_Is that it?" he pressed again._

_Laura thought for a minute. "I once went on a really bad date with a really tall guy who kissed my eyelid, and Waldo kissed my hand after that one date we had, but yeah, that's all," she said, annoyance bubbling up in her voice._

"_Where have they touched you?" he whimpered, continuing his search for information. He had to know. He had to know exactly what she had done with other guys. He had to know what he had to compete with._

_Laura frowned and stood up._

"_Where are you going?" he asked in concern._

"_Nowhere," she answered. She grabbed his hand and pulled him up beside her. "C'mere," she said leading him away from the table. She stepped into his arms and pressed her body firmly against his. She pulled his face down toward her. "Steve," she said softly, "please relax. You look like you're about to sweat yourself to death." Steve pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed at his brow… and his neck… and his armpits… and the soles of his feet. Then Laura took it from him, pinched between two fingers as she tried not to gag, and tossed it to the side. She stepped close to him again and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Look at me," she ordered, grabbing his chin, and pulling his eyes back to hers. "I know you're nervous about this, Steve, and I know you're just trying to figure out what's expected of you when we finally… make love."_

_Steve whimpered softly. Even hearing her use that phrase brought him close to ruining his underpants._

"_So I'm trying not to be offended by your reluctance to believe me, but Steve Urkel, I've never done anything with a guy that I haven't already done with you. Nobody has touched me anywhere that you haven't, and I've never touched anyone beyond where I've touched you. I'm a virgin, Steve. You know that."_

_Steve relaxed slightly. "Really?"_

"_Yes, you know that. I would've sat you down and told you if there was anything to tell, just like, I'm sure you would've told me?" she said softly, adding a hint of a questioning inflection at the very end._

"_Of course," he readily agreed. "I'm as untouched as the Mona Lisa," he promised._

_Laura chuckled. "Good, because I want to be the only woman to have my way with you," she purred._

_He blushed and looked away. "You will be," he promised._

_Laura leaned forward and kissed him passionately, placing a hand on his hammering heart, finally setting it at ease._

Steve looked back at his dad. He was right. He had looked so terrified Laura would have said anything to get his mind off of her past.

"That's what I thought," Herb continued. "Or maybe she really is a virgin, but she's done enough other things to have expectations. We taught you to save everything but kissing for your three-month anniversary because it's the best way to prevent you from giving into other temptations. If Laura's a virgin, which I doubt, she probably didn't follow the same rules."

"No," Steve said suddenly and firmly. "I'm sorry, but you're wrong. Laura Lee Winslow saved herself for me. I know she did."

Herb looked at Steve seriously. "Son, you and I saw the same girl at sixteen go out with good looking guy after good looking guy. Are you telling me they didn't try anything?"

"No," Steve answered. "I'm telling you she said no!"

"To every one of them? Even to Stefan?" he challenged. "I saw her fawning all over him back in the day. You're telling me _all _they did was kiss?"

"Yes," Steve said more weakly.

"All right," Herb shrugged. "So you don't want my advice?"

"I didn't say that, Pop. I wanna… I wanna be good for her."

Herb smiled softly. "I think that's wise, Son. Well, first of all, you're not gonna last long at first."

Though he wouldn't admit it, Steve was well aware of that. He'd been building his stamina for months and there was still the occasional oil leak when Laura really got his motor running.

"Whenever you're with her, focus on that. It'll get better with practice."

Steve nodded. It was getting better.

"Secondly," Herb continued, "this isn't about you. If you wanna keep her happy so that she stays an Urkel, you need to be selfless in the bedroom. You don't ask her for anything."

Steve nodded again. His philosophy had started that way, but Laura didn't make it easy. "What if she asks me what I want?"

"Tell her your only desire is to pleasure her," Herb explained.

"What if she doesn't accept that as an answer?"

"Then pick something you know she likes and ask for that."

Steve nodded. He knew he should be trying harder to do what she wants. The longer they'd been married, the more comfortable he'd gotten making requests. He asked for specific nighties. He'd change positions in the middle of it. He'd ask her directly to go down on him. Then there was his journey to the dark side of the moon a couple of weeks ago. He had to rein in his overwhelming selfishness before it drove her away. "I can do that."

"You also need to accept that you're never gonna be good enough to satisfy her. Even if you practice and practice. Even if you do everything she asks you to. You won't be enough."

Steve swallowed hard. That couldn't be true.

"Not forever. Not for her," Herb continued. "But relax, Son. There are things you can do to satisfy her outside of your own capabilities."

"What do you mean?"

"First off, you need toys, especially something that vibrates."

Steve swallowed again. His mouth was growing dry. That idea made him very uncomfortable.

"You should always have a lubricant on hand, and as many toys as you can possibly try on her. Nothing too weird. Just vibrators and dildos. Stuff to make one penis forever a little more bearable. You never want your love life to get stale."

Steve thought hard about their love life. It didn't seem stale yet, but they hadn't even been married for three months. "How can you tell when it's getting stale?" he asked nervously.

"When you start doing it less, when it takes less time, when she seems too focused on your pleasure."

Their frequency had decreased only slightly, and they were still very capable of a Saturday marathon, so he wasn't too worried about those two signs, but he'd always taken that last one as a good thing. "Wouldn't it be a good thing if she were focused on my pleasure? Wouldn't that mean she loves me the way I love her?"

Herb chuckled. "C'mon, son. Do you ever think she's going to love you as much as you love her?"

"No," Steve admitted softly.

"If she's too focused on getting you off, then she just wants it to be over with," his father explained.

Steve felt his stomach grow even more upset. He felt lucky he hadn't passed out yet.

"Then there's one last thing, Steve."

Steve took a deep breath and exhaled. At least, they were down to the last one. "Hit me with it, Pop."

"Have you ever considered an open marriage?"

That was the line, and it had finally been crossed. Steve was furious. He felt all of the blood in his body begin to pound in his veins. He steeled himself. He was finally going to set his father straight. He would never be in an open relationship. He couldn't stand even the thought of another man touching his wife. He and Laura could make it work all on their own. He knew they could… or he did until he passed out.

When Steve came to, Laura was the only thing in his eyeline.

"Oh, thank God," she breathed when he opened his eyes.

"Hey there, my lovely," he cooed dizzily, reaching up to stroke her cheek.

Laura smiled nervously. "Baby, you scared me. You went down, like you always do, but you whacked your head pretty good on the cooler. Are you ok?"

"I am now that I'm lookin' into your gorgeous, chestnut eyes," he purred.

Laura rolled her gorgeous, chestnut eyes, "We're going to a hospital," Laura insisted, offering a hand to help him up.

"Oh, Laura, no," Roberta said, finally showing up in Steve's eyeline. He deflated slightly as he sat up and remembered where he was. "I'm a doctor. I'll check him out." She and Herb began to help him up so Roberta could check him out.

"Dr. Urkel," Laura began to complain.

"Mom," she corrected again.

"Roberta," Laura settled on finally, "I'd really feel more comfortable if he went to the hospital."

"And we'll take him if he needs to go," Roberta said. She leaned close to him and began to interrogate him, checking his pupils and feeling his head for bumps. "Now, Steve. Do you have a headache?"

"No."

"Is your vision blurred?"

"No."

"Are you dizzy?"

"No."

"Are you nauseous?"

"No."

"You're always clumsy, so we'll skip that one," she mumbled to herself. "Do you feel confused?"

"A little," he answered honestly, looking up at Laura nervously. How was he ever going to keep her satisfied?

"The equation 24x+25x−47ax−2=−8x−3−53ax−2 is true for all values of x≠2a, where A is a constant. What is the value of A?"

Just hearing that made Laura feel like she might have a concussion.

"-3," Steve answered without hesitation.

"Good. What's your wife's middle name?"

"Lee," he answered easily.

"He's fine," Roberta said, standing up right again.

Laura took a deep breath to calm herself. "I'd really feel more comfortable if-"

"I have to go run an errand," Steve announced, standing suddenly.

"What?" Laura demanded.

"I'll be back in a jif, Gorgeous," he promised, leaning over to kiss her gently.

"No, Steve, you're not going anywhere but a hospital," she ordered as he began to walk away from her. She followed after him quickly as it became clear he wasn't stopping.

"It'll just take a couple hours," he shrugged, walking through the house back toward the front door.

"Where are you going?!"

"It's a surprise!" he answered.

"I'm coming with you," she insisted as he slipped out the front door. He was still several feet ahead of her.

"No! I'd never take you to a place like that!" he gasped.

"Like what?" she demanded as he leaned over to kiss her cheek, climbed into the car, and locked the door. She moved to the passenger side and tried to open it, but she couldn't. "Steve!" she screeched. "Let me in this car this instant."

He rolled down the window just a crack. "I'll be back in a few hours, my love. I'm just going downtown." He threw the car in reverse and began to back out of the driveway.

She ran after him. "YOU HAVE A HEAD INJURY!" she yelled after him, "AND YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME HERE ALONE WITH THESE PEOPLE!"

He turned out of the driveway shamelessly and sped down the road, swerving slightly erratically. Laura watched him go until he was way out of sight. Then she finally closed her mouth and went back toward the house to wait for him.

Laura waited on the front porch for Steve, refusing to go back inside alone. About an hour into her silent protest, Myrtle came out to check on her. "Howdy, cowgirl," she said as she took a seat on the stairs beside her, only after placing a handkerchief on the dirty porch to protect her dress, of course. "Are you just never comin' back inside?"

Laura half-smiled at Myrtle. "That idiot hit his head and then drove off to God knows where to do God knows what. He could be unconscious in a ditch on the side of the road for all I know! How am I supposed to go in there and break bread with his monstrous parents?" Laura frowned and looked back down the driveway as she began to play with her wedding ring. "If he's not dead, I'm gonna kill him."

"Oh, c'mon, now. Can't be the first time he's made you worry like this," Myrtle pressed.

"It's the first time since we've been married."

"But not the first time," Myrtle pressed. "He'll be back soon. Come back in for dinner. You two already skipped brunch for your little sex-capade."

Laura laughed and slapped Myrtle's knee gently. "Stop," she whined. "I'm trying to stay mad here."

"All right," Myrtle shrugged.

"Speaking of Steve's and my afternoon delight, did you get that tape yet?"

"Yes," she nodded. "I snuck away just before Steve walloped his head. I stole the only copy and slipped it into your suitcase."

"What?!" Laura gasped.

"I thought you might wanna watch it," she shrugged.

"We don't!" she exclaimed.

"Hm. Is it because you know your O-face is gonna make you look constipated?"

"Myrtle!" Laura scolded, laughing as she slapped her leg again. "Girl, c'mon!"

"If you don't wanna watch it, then just destroy it! I just wanted you to be able to do with it whatever you please," she explained. "That way you'll really know no one else will ever see it!"

Laura chuckled. "Well, thank you, Myrtle," Laura said. Then she mumbled a little lower, "You pervert."

Myrtle laughed and snorted, almost loud enough to distract them both from the noise of a car pulling into the drive.

"Oh, thank God!" Laura exclaimed when she heard the rental car pulling back in.

Myrtle furrowed her brow. "That's not Steve, Darlin'. Your rental car was blue, not gray."

"Oh, shoot! You're right. Well, then who is it?"

The car parked at the end of the driveway, since the rest of the drive was already full. A tall, muscular man got out of the car and began to walk up the dirt path. He was wearing cowboy boots and a Bulls tee. It was a weird combination. "Oh, my GOD!" Laura exclaimed as she saw who it was.

Myrtle's eyes widened, and she began to fix her dress and hair. "Good Lord, Laura. How could you not tell me you invited my ex?" she whispered harshly as Eric got closer.

He waved at them and smiled, still a ways down the long driveway. He started to walk faster, fueled by nerves and excitement.

"I didn't know!" Laura promised. "Steve tried to invite him, but I shot that idea down. I thought it was dead!" she smiled brightly, mumbling through clenched teeth and waving back.

"I have to tell you something later," Myrtle smiled nervously.

Finally, he reached the bottom of the porch and jogged up the stairs. "Howdy, ladies!" he grinned nervously.

Myrtle extended her hand to him, and he took it and kissed it. "Howdy, Eric," she purred. Then he stepped closer to her and pulled her in for a long, deep hug and a kiss on the cheek. It wasn't an appropriate greeting for a debutante, but it sure felt good. He pulled away from her slowly, holding onto one hand for a little longer than what was appropriate. Then he turned and quickly hugged Laura. It was felt aggressively platonic to her.

"Eric, what are you doing here?" she asked as he quickly released her.

"You and Steve slipped the invite under my door," he said, furrowing his brow.

Laura and Myrtle exchanged a glance. "Steve slipped the invite under your door," they concluded in unison.

"Oh," he said awkwardly. "Um… Ok. Do you want me to go or…?"

"No, Honey, of course not," Myrtle said with a wave of her hand. "Grab your bags and come on in. I'll get you settled in a bedroom."

"There are still open bedrooms?" Laura asked, marveling at the size of this house.

"O'course, Darkin'," Myrtle grinned as she opened the door for Eric.

Eric quickly took the door, and held it for her instead. "After you," he cooed.

Myrtle smiled flirtatiously, "What a gentleman," she purred as she stepped inside. "Don't stay out there all night, Laura!" she called just before the door closed behind her. She glanced at the man to her left. "You have to meet Big Daddy before I can get you all set up," she explained.

"Ok. I'd be glad to meet your daddy!" he agreed readily.

Myrtle hesitated. "I haven't told him I met somebody on my trip to Chicago."

"Oh," he frowned.

"So as far as Big Daddy's concerned, you came down to spend time with Steve and Laura. Understand?"

"Myrtle," he began.

"It's that or you can head on home," she said firmly.

Eric took a deep breath and sighed. "All right. Then I guess I'm just a very clingy neighbor," he shrugged.

Myrtle raised an eyebrow at him. "Well, you kinda are," she shrugged.

He chuckled softly and smiled at her flirtatiously. "I've been missing you like crazy, Sugar," he cooed, reaching out to stroke her cheek.

Myrtle pulled back. "C'mon," she said, grabbing his arm and guiding him through the huge mansion, out to the backyard. She followed a large, booming laugh to Big Daddy. She tapped his shoulder daintily. "Big Daddy!" she called.

He turned around to face her as she let go of Eric's arm to hug him. "Myrtle Mae!" he called as he embraced her and kissed her cheek. "How you doin', Peanut?"

"I'm doing just fine, Big Daddy," she giggled. "You know how I love to host!"

"You make a mighty fine hostess, Baby Girl!" he grinned. Finally, his eyes landed on Eric. "Who's this?" he growled.

Myrtle smiled casually as Eric began to sweat. "Big Daddy, this is Laura and Steve's neighbor, Eric Changers."

"Chambers," he corrected, glaring at her.

"Right," she nodded, winking at him. "Mr. Chambers and I met real quick when I was up north, and I just had to invite him down. You know, he's from the South?"

"Really?" Big Daddy exclaimed, relaxing as he began to assume that Eric was simply a casual acquaintance he was happy to host. "Big Daddy Urkel. It's nice to meet you, Mr. Chambers," he said, extending his hand for a shake.

"You too, Sir," Eric replied, shaking his hand firmly in the hopes of making a good impression.

"Woo-WEE! You must be from the south, Partner! That's quite a handshake you got there."

Eric smiled proudly. "My pa used to tell me that a man's most lasting impression is his handshake."

"Ain't it the truth!" he exclaimed.

Suddenly, there was a crash behind them.

"Aw, shoot me in the pinky toe!" Big Daddy cried. "There goes another priceless vase. I tell ya, I am never hosting this shindig again!" he turned to Myrtle. "Baby Girl, why don't you get our new guest all set up in the east wing for me?"

"Sure, Daddy!" she agreed, kissing him on the cheek just before he stormed away to check out the damage. Myrtle smiled flirtatiously at Eric. "You know, my room's in the east wing," she grinned as she took his arm again.

"Oh, really?" he asked as he followed her inside and up the stairs.

She led him to one of the last rooms in the ridiculously large mansion. He set his bag down on the floor and turned to her, still standing in the doorway. "Close the door," he said softly.

Myrtle smirked. "Now, Mr. Chambers, that just wouldn't be appropriate… For you to be all alone with the peanut farmer's daughter? That's simply scandalous!" she teased.

He grinned and grabbed her hand. He quickly yanked her inside and closed the door. He leaned down and kissed her deeply. "You never wrote," he complained as he broke the kiss.

"Neither did you," Myrtle shrugged guiltily.

"You never gave me your address!" he argued.

Myrtle struggled out of his arms. "I'm sorry, Darling. It's just been hard for me… back home. Thinking about Eddie and Max and you and me. I just haven't been able to figure out what to do with myself."

Eric frowned at her look of indecision and distress. "Well, start with the easy stuff. Did you pick a graduate program, yet?"

"Yes," she nodded as she sat on the bed. "Virginia Tech."

"That's a great school, Myrtle! Congratulations," he said sincerely as he sat beside her.

"Thank you," she replied softly, lost deeply in thought.

He reached out and stroked her hair. "This isn't what I was imagining our reunion would be like on the plane ride down," he chuckled.

Myrtle's brow furrowed. "Is that why you came? Just to get back up under my hoopskirt?" she demanded suddenly.

"No! No, that's not why!" he exclaimed, suddenly very concerned he was pushing her away. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I definitely want… God, Myrtle, I want you so bad, but that's not the only reason I came down. I wanted to see you. I wanted to figure out why you weren't writing. I wanted to make sure you knew that my hat was still in the ring."

"Do you love me?" she demanded suddenly.

He looked at her for a long moment in silence. "I want to really fall in love with you, but you have to give me a chance first," he begged.

Myrtle grabbed his face and pulled him in for a deep, deep kiss. She pushed him down on the bed and climbed into his lap. "Oh, Eric," she moaned as she began to grind on him.

"Oh, MYRTLE!" he called back, thrilled to have her in his arms again. He rolled her off of him and pinned her down on the bed. He looked down at her with a hint of animal instinct in his eyes. He slipped his tee-shirt over his head and tossed it aside.

"Whoa, Daddy!" Myrtle whispered under her breath. He leaned down and began to kiss her neck as her hands stroked up and down his muscular back and torso. "Oooooo, these abs," she cooed to herself, not that he couldn't hear her.

He laughed to himself and went for the zipper on her dress. He yanked it down quickly and pulled away to slide it down her body. It was like magic. Her body was so lanky and boxy in those big, unflattering dresses, but the second he got her down to her lingerie, she was ready for a Victoria's Secret photoshoot… at least, in his eyes, and while her vintage style was far from flattering in her daywear, Eric was thrilled to see the vintage undergarments she seemed to wear on a regular basis, including a sexy garter belt to hold up her transparent stockings. He worked as fast as he could to undo the complicated get-up, to no avail.

Eventually, Myrtle gave up and pushed him away. "Oh, just drop your drawers!" she ordered. "I'll take care of this," she said, standing and beginning to unhook, unsnap, and untie all that she needed to to stand in front of him, completely naked.

He dropped his pants and briefs to the floor and bit his lips as they stared at each other intensely. He approached his suitcase as she got under the covers.

"Come to bed, Darlin'," she cooed. "What are you waiting for? Big Daddy's gonna come looking for me in a little while."

Eric pulled a condom from his bag and slipped into bed beside her. "I just needed to grab something so that you wouldn't be calling me Big Daddy anytime soon," he snickered, waving it in front of her and leaning in to kiss her neck again. His hands began to roam her body.

Myrtle bit her lip as he began to kiss his way down her body. "Eric?" she began softly.

"Hmm?" he hummed as he kissed her navel.

"You don't need a condom," she whispered.

He sat up between her legs, the comforter falling back behind him. He raised an eyebrow at her.

"I'm already pregnant," she admitted.

Steve got back to Urkel Oaks around 1 am. All the lights were out, so he assumed everyone was asleep. He tiptoed in the front door with at least a dozen bags in his hands. He began to tiptoe up the stairs, but the lamp turned on behind him. He turned around as Laura cleared her throat. She was seated on the couch in the living room. She was wearing a silky, lightweight robe since it was so hot in Biloxi in the summer. He couldn't see what she was wearing under it since it was tightly tied around her, but he knew she had a sexy, revealing nightie that matched it. Finally, she spoke, "Where the hell have you been?" she growled as she stood.

"I went shopping," he answered. "For presents!" he exclaimed, gesturing to the unmarked bags in his hand.

Laura narrowed her eyes at him. "I've been worried sick about you since you left! You hit your head, Steve! Then you stayed out until 1 in the morning? You wouldn't even answer your phone? You could've been dead in some downtown alley somewhere for all I knew!" she whisper-shouted.

"But I wasn't!" he replied cheerfully, wanting desperately to show her what he'd bought but knowing it would go over better if he cheered her up a bit first. He set his bags on the ground. "I'm home!" he said, stepping over to where she was standing and placing his hands on her hips. He pulled her into him, and she unfurled, wrapping her arms around his neck and looking into his eyes, hers filled with so much relief. "Safe and sound!" he promised.

She pouted at him. "Where did you go? What was so important?"

Steve pursed his lips nervously. "Why don't we go upstairs, and I can show you?" he suggested.

Laura thought for a moment and nodded. He let go of her hips and walked back over to his bags, picking them all up carefully. "Do you want me to carry something?" she asked.

"No!" he cried suddenly. She reared back, and he forced himself to chuckle. "Sorry, my pet. No… I-I-I got this," he insisted as he picked up the last bag and began to lead her up the stairs. He glanced around the hallway before he opened his door for her. They slipped in unseen. He walked over to the bed and set the bags down. He knew he had to explain himself a little before he began unpacking them, or she would get scared off. He took her hands and sat on the edge of the bed. She sat beside him. "Laura, I love you with all my heart," he said gently, "and all I want is to make you happy. You know that, right?"

"Of course," she agreed.

"Well, I know that there are other men who could make you happier than I can-"

"What?" she interrupted. "Steve, Honey, no-"

"Lemme finish, Laura Lee," he said softly, squeezing her hand. "I know there are some men who could make you happier than I can in some aspects of our marriage, but I don't ever want you to feel like you have to go outside of me to find anything you need in a partner. I know I haven't always been the most adventurous, but I would do anything for you, no matter how scared or uncomfortable it makes me. That's why I went out and bought us some… stuff." He reached behind him and grabbed one of the bags. He handed it to her. "I got a bunch of different things so we can try them all and see what you like best… what makes you happiest."

Laura stuck her hand in the bag and gripped what was inside. It was thick and cylindrical. It wasn't smooth. It was bumpy. She pulled out a long item wrapped in a silky bag. She opened the bag by its drawstring and pulled out the item in question. Her eyes had never been wider as she stared at the massive, brown dildo, balls included, in her hand. It was both long and thick. Steve himself was already a good size. This was longer and thicker. This was almost scary. The fact that Steve had bought it for her was confusing and terrifying. She finally looked up at him. He was looking down at his lap and fiddling with his fingers. "What the _HELL_, Steve?" she asked eventually when she'd regained the power of speech.

Steve felt his cheeks grow hot. He glanced up so he knew which one she'd grabbed, but then he looked down at his lap. "I know it's not that much bigger than me, but I had to go to a special section to even find some that were longer than mine. They let me go into the dressing room there and measure myself. Heh. I guess, in toy sizes, I'm right at that border line between 'realistic' and 'giant'. I tried to get a variety of sizes larger than me. This one's eleven inches. Twelve if you count the part with the testicles. It's thicker than me too."

Laura's mouth was frozen in a position of shock. "What the hell do you expect me to do with it?" she demanded.

Steve nodded. "Well, I thought that I could… use it to make love to you."

"You wanna stick this thing inside of me?" she gasped.

"Well…. Yeah."

Laura closed her eyes and forced herself to take a deep breath. So maybe Steve had discovered some sort of fetish seeing women take a penis that they just can't handle, but what sense did that make? This was Steve Urkel. Sure, everyone has fetishes and fantasies, but this one didn't really seem like him. Plus, he didn't really seem excited about it. "Why?" she asked eventually.

"Do you not like it?" he asked. "I have bigger ones!" he suggested, reaching back to dig through the bags.

_**Bigger ones?!**_

He turned back to Laura with a monsterous, peach colored dildo in his hands. "This one's fourteen inches," he announced, "and it's white in case you want to… imagine it's not mine."

"Fourtee- Jesus, Steve! You can't be serious! That won't fit inside me!" she whispered harshly.

Steve pouted. He must not have been explaining this well because she looked horrified. "Well, that's ok," he said, pressing a button on the bottom of the toy. "It vibrates."

"Oh, my God!" Laura snatched the offending object away from him and turned it off. She tossed it on the bed beside the rest of the bags and began to dump the bags out. Four more ridiculously large dildos that were clearly meant to be given as gag gifts at bachelorette parties tumbled out along with much, much more. One dildo was two pronged, intended for double penetration. He had purchased vibrators from bullet-sized to the classic magic wand. He had bought several different cockrings. One glowed in the dark. There was a penis pump, even though he had never had any problem standing at attention for her. For some reason, he had gone for butt plugs and anal beads, too. Then, of course, there was tons and tons of lube. When she felt like she'd finally taken in the whole scene, she looked back at him. "What the hell is all this, Steve?" she scolded. "Look, I don't really mind if you wanna incorporate toys into our sex life if that's something you're into, but you have to talk to me first, and you can't spend this much money! This is insane!"

He started to breathe heavily. "Laura, I can't… I can't…" His breathing got more shallow and more intense. "I can't…" he wheezed.

"Steve, breathe," she ordered, placing a hand on his back. She rubbed it in slow circles. "You can't what, Honey?"

"I can't let you make love to anyone else! We can't have an open marriage!" he shouted suddenly. He began to hyperventilate.

"Ok. Wow. Steve, I think you're having a panic attack. You need to take some deep breaths," she urged gently.

"I can't! I-I-I can't!" he insisted, gasping for air.

"Steve, stop. Focus on my voice. I'm right here. Breathe. I love you. I'm right here. Breathe." She laid him back on the bed and placed a hand over his diaphragm. "Breathe deeply, Steve." She stroked his abdomen gently. "Breathe all the way down here."

As he focused only on his breaths and her sweet voice giving him instructions, he began to breathe normally again.

When she sensed he had calmed down a little, she leaned in close. "Where did all this come from?" she whispered. "What did your dad say to you that made you faint earlier?" She was beginning to develop a hunch that this obsession with toys hadn't come out of thin air.

"He said that I would never be able to keep you satisfied… sexually. At least, not long term. That girls like you have expectations," Steve whispered, his voice shaking.

Laura's brow furrowed deeply. "Oh, my God," she breathed. "What an asshole!" she exclaimed.

Steve jumped slightly and looked at her. "Laura!" he scolded. He'd never heard her call anyone that before.

"I'm sorry, Steve, but he is! That's ridiculous! How on Earth could he think it's his business to tell you what kind of sexual relationship you should have with your wife?"

"He was just giving me the talk," Steve shrugged, finally sitting back up. "All dads have to eventually."

"That is not the talk!" she exclaimed. "The talk is, 'Use a condom', and maybe 'Wait 'til you're married'. 'Let your wife sleep around' NEVER comes up. He had no right to suggest that to you, and also, why on Earth would you listen to him, you idiot? I don't want an open marriage! When we first got married, I told you I'd try anything with you, as long as it wasn't..." She paused so he could fill in the blank.

"Dangerous," he finished, remembering the conversation.

"And?"

"And it didn't involve any other people," he answered.

"So what the hell, Steve?" she asked, calming down slightly.

"I just got scared, Laura. He made me feel like I could never be enough for you, and honestly, I don't understand how I am!"

"Because I'm not a slut, Steve! I only want my husband! Period," she explained in exasperation. How much good had been undone this weekend?

"But, Laura, you've only ever been with me. How do you know that you don't want somebody else more?"

"Steve," she whined, "a couple months ago you were glad I gave you my virginity. Now it's a problem for you?"

"No," he said firmly. "No, I wanted to be your first."

"Don't you wanna be my only?" she asked, cocking her head at him in confusion.

"God, of course I do!" he agreed. "But I also want you to be happy."

"I am happy, Boo. I love you. I love having sex with you. I love your huge dick."

"Laura," he scolded, blushing slightly at her language.

"Hey," she complained, "if you can bring home buttplugs, I can say dick now."

"Butt… What? What's a buttplug?" he asked in confusion.

Laura laughed and reached behind her for one. She showed it to him.

"That's where that goes?" he exclaimed. "Oh, my…"

Laura took a deep breath and sighed, leaning her head against his shoulder as he set the toy back on the bed. "We don't need this stuff, Baby. Our sex life is amazing."

"I think so, too," Steve nodded, "but it doesn't bother you that you're never gonna get the chance to be with a white man? Or a man with a fourteen inch… friend? Or any other man at all?"

Laura lifted her head and looked at him again. "Does it bother you that you'll never be able to be with a thinner woman or a fatter woman or a woman with bigger boobs?" she challenged.

"No! All I want is you!" he promised.

"You're all I want, too, Steve. I'm not into white guys and fourteen inches is way too big. I'm not even sure a guy that size exists, and I certainly wouldn't want him anywhere near me! That would hurt so much. You… are a perfect fit for me, and more importantly, you are my husband. I would never, ever let anyone else in."

"I can't have an open marriage, Laura," he reaffirmed seriously. "I would do anything for you, and I would do that if you made me, but it would kill me."

"I don't want an open marriage, Steve. That's so weird and gross and… do your parents have one?"

Steve's eyes widened. "Oh, my God."

Laura giggled. "Sorry for puttin' that image in your head."

"No, it's a good question," he agreed nodding seriously. He took a deep breath and shook his head to knock that thought out of it. He looked at her seriously, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "Tell me again we don't need this stuff," he whispered.

"We don't need this stuff," she said firmly, "unless you want any of it."

Steve pursed his lips. "Do you?"

"No, Steve. If I wanted to spice things up, I would tell you that, and I would go on a weird shopping spree. This is on you. Do you wanna keep any of this stuff?"

"No," he answered eventually. "God, no. I don't want any of this stuff anywhere near you, and I hate that you know what a butt plug is."

Laura laughed and nudged him gently. "Hey, I read Cosmo."

"So… The sex shop I went to actually had a no-returns policy," he continued.

Laura raised a brow at him. "How much money did you spend on this junk, Steve Urkel?"

"Less than 900 dollars," he answered.

"900 dollars?!" she growled.

"Less than!" he reminded her.

She grabbed his shirt collar and yanked him closer to her. "How much?!" she demanded.

"$847.93," he replied.

"Ste-eeve," she whined. "C'mon! That's ridiculous. What are we gonna do with all this?"

Steve shrugged uncomfortably. "Laura, you're more adventurous than me. There's really nothing that you think we could make good use of?"

Laura looked back at the pile. "Steve, if I were to ask you try something, I wouldn't want you to be thinking about this weekend in the back of your mind. I don't think we should keep any of it. I just hate to throw that kind of money away…"

Steve nodded. "I'm sorry, my pet." He paused for a moment and then chuckled to himself. "You could just give out the weirdest re-gifts this Christmas."

Laura laughed, and then she froze. "Oh, my God," she said seriously. "I know exactly what we're gonna do with all this stuff."

"What?" Steve asked. "Laura, you can't seriously be planning to gift it to someone."

Laura chuckled. "Just help me hide it all under the bed for now. I'll take care of the rest," she said as she stood to gather the sex toys from the bed.

Steve stared at her like she had grown a third eyeball, but he helped her nonetheless. When it was all hidden away, he looked at her. "What are you planning?"

Laura grinned flirtatiously. "Don't worry about it," she purred, stepping close to him. "Just lay back on the bed, and let me show you just how healthy our sex life is."

Steve pursed his lips. "We can't be too loud. We don't wanna wake anyone."

"I can be quiet if you can," she whispered, "but I think it'll be tough for both of us."

"We already made love today," he reminded her. "We could just go to bed."

Laura lowered a hand to his crotch and gripped his erect member over his pants. "That's not what your big dick wants to do," she teased, massaging him gently.

He shivered in excitement. "Laura Lee," he scolded in a raspy voice.

"Yes, Steve?" she pouted innocently.

"You shouldn't use that word."

She leaned closer and began to kiss his neck. "Mmm… I like using that word," she whispered, sucking on his tight skin. "I like saying dick… and cock because it makes you tremble. I like it when you tremble for me."

Steve didn't appreciate her using the word tremble either. It wasn't exactly the most masculine image, but he also couldn't argue with it.

She pulled back and looked him in the eye. "Be honest with me, Steve. Does it really bother you?"

He looked down at his feet. "No," he said eventually.

"Do you like it when I talk dirty to you?" she grinned.

"Can I plead the fifth?" he cringed.

She laughed and leaned closer to him. "I love you with all my heart, Steve Urkel. You make me feel different than any other man ever has, and I never wanna stop feeling this way." She kissed him gently. "You're the only man I want to… know me."

He placed his hands on the back of her head and pulled her face tightly against his, kissing her deeply. "You know I'll do anything you want me to, right?" he panted as he released her.

"I know," she breathed as she pushed him back on the bed. She lay beside him and waited as he shifted to a comfortable spot in the middle of the bed. She leaned over him and kissed him deeply, cupping his face with one hand and holding herself up with the other elbow. He quickly wrapped his arms around her and pulled her on top of him. She pulled back from the kiss, sat up, and looked down at him. "You want me on top?" she asked.

"I want you wherever you wanna be, Kitten," he replied, running his hands up her thighs.

Laura grinded her hips against him once. "I wanna be right here," she purred, leaning down over him again. "In bed, on top of my sexy, loving husband, feeling his hard cock between my legs," she whispered.

He swallowed hard.

She reached down and took his hand. She kissed it softly and placed it on her breast. She could tell he was going to be hesitant getting started with her tonight, but she wasn't feeling very patient. He finally began to massage her breast as she leaned down to kiss him again. She manually placed his free hand on her other breast to hurry him along. She grinned against his lips as she felt her nipples grow hard. She sat up and pulled away from him. She untied her robe and leaned over him in that sexy, revealing nightie he had suspected she was wearing. She put his hands back in place. "You feel that, Baby?"

"Feel what?"

"Do you feel how hard my nipples are?"

He nodded and squeezed her breasts more forcefully.

"You did that to me, Honey," she whispered, "because you, all by yourself, turn me on." She leaned down and kissed him again. "You touch me, and it feels so good. My nipples get hard, and my panties get all wet," she replied, wiggling over his member slightly. She pulled the straps of her nightie down and leaned over him again, this time with her breast in his face. " "Suck on me, Steve," she instructed, brushing her left nipple against his lips.

He immediately opened his mouth and took her nipple between his lips. He flicked his tongue against it and then began to suckle powerfully. He lifted one hand to her free breast and started to play with her other pointed peak.

"Ohhhh, God, yesssssss," she hissed. She was so excited by the new pleasure and the prospect of what's to come that she dug her nails into his pecs as she moaned.

As he felt her body react to him, something in him woke. This was his wife. It didn't matter if they hadn't waited the three months they were supposed to. She was his wife. He was her husband. Their bodies were meant to be used to pleasure each other. She was his mate. As biology took over, he lost all sense of shame and knocked her back on the bed. He took more of her tit in his mouth and gently scraped his teeth against her.

"Oh!" she called. "There's my man," she grinned as she felt him come alive again. There was a part of her that could see why some people thought she may someday get bored of sleeping with him, but those people, she knew, had never met this Steve. Steve was gentle, loving, and devoted. He was also anxious, prudish, and full of unnecessary shame, but deep inside, there was a part of him that was a beast. There was a tiny section of his brain that lit up and took over from time to time while they made love. There was a part of him that would bite her nipple, throw her down on the bed, spank her, and slam his member deeper inside of her. There was a part of him that was only out for his own pleasure. It was this balance between his gentle and loving side and his animalistic urges that made him the incredible lover he was. She could do without all the shame though.

She was brought back into the moment as the door opened.

"HERB! ROBERTA!" a raspy voice screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Are you ever gonna say something about this?" Myrtle prompted after a few hours of silence had passed. Well, they hadn't been completely silent. After a moment of shocked silence, he had jumped her, and they had been having sex on and off for several hours, well into the night, but he hadn't uttered a single word, only many, many moans and her name over and over.

"Myrtle," he said softly.

"Yeah, you've said that before," she said rolling her eyes.

"Myrtle, I just don't know what to say."

"Well, there's only one thing a gentleman would be saying right now, and if you don't know what it is that you're supposed to be saying, then maybe I don't want you to be the one saying that to me," she said, standing suddenly from the bed and beginning to wriggle back into her undergarments.

He began to dress as well. "Well, I know what I'm supposed to be saying, and I'd like to say it, but I was afraid you would find it insulting, since you're on this new modern woman kick. You don't need a man to raise a baby, and you don't need to have a baby just because you're pregnant, but if you do want me to say what I wanna say then I'll say it!" he exclaimed.

"I'd never tell you what to say. You just have to say whatever it is you're going to say!"

"Well, fine!" he yelled. "I will say it! I'll say it right now!"

"Fine! Say it!" she said, pausing and turning to face him in only her underwear and stockings.

He looked at her for a long moment in his boxers. He dropped to his knee suddenly. "Myrtle, will you marry me?"

Myrtle looked at him for a long moment. "Oh, I don't know!" she whined jumping up and down in frustration. "I just don't know!"

Eric furrowed his brow and stood. "Well, damn, girl! That's why I didn't ask!"

Myrtle looked at him sympathetically as she sat back on the bed. "I'm sorry. I just needed to know whether or not that was even an option for me."

He sat beside her and took her hand. "Of course, it's an option. I mean… I had hoped that you and I would get the chance to date and get to know each other a little better before we found ourselves in this little pickle, but Myrtle, I'm ready to settle down and start a family. I've been ready for that for awhile. I just haven't found the right woman, and I've been far too yellow to pull the trigger. Maybe this is what we both needed. A little push so that I would finally dive into something head-first and so that you would finally try with someone other than Eddie. Maybe there's a reason for this."

Myrtle felt tears come to her eyes. "Maybe you're right," she said, wiping them. "I just never planned to do it this way."  
"Neither did I," he shrugged.

"I always thought that if I were ever gonna trap a man, I'd at least do it on purpose!"

He laughed sincerely and wrapped an arm around her. "How did this happen anyway? We used protection every time, didn't we?"

"Yes, but condoms are only 97% effective. They're not perfect, and that's only when they're used correctly."  
"Well, I'm sure we used them correctly. I've been using them for a lot of years now!"

"How many?" she growled.

"Don't worry about it."

Myrtle rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, you were pretty drunk that first time, and I watched you put it on every time, and it was different the first time. I don't think you did it right," she cringed, her lip curling upward. "You didn't unfurl it all the way, and it kinda… fell off."  
His eyes widened. "It fell off?!"

"Inside me," she continued.

"Inside you?! Why didn't you say something?"

"Well, I didn't realize it until…"  
"Until what?" he demanded.

"Until I got home," she shrugged.

"EWWW!" he exclaimed.

"Hey!" she barked. "Don't you 'ew' me! It was your… stuff!"

He stared at her for a long moment, and then he started to laugh. She began to laugh to, stepping closer to him. He took her into his arms as they both cracked up. He kissed the top of her head. "So… I guess we're having a baby, huh?"

She pulled away again. "I guess," she shrugged, sitting on the edge of the bed again.

"HERB! ROBERTA!" a raspy voice screamed at the top of his lungs.

Steve's lips ripped away from Laura's breast as he sat up in fear. "Papa Urkel!" he wheezed.

Laura's jaw dropped as she processed what was happening. They really needed to learn to lock a damn door. She sat up and quickly pulled a pillow against her chest. Herb and Roberta arrived quickly, just as Laura was beginning to slip back into her nightie, sliding a strap up her shoulder.

"What's going on?" Herb growled as he glanced at the newlyweds in bed together. Laura was barely clothed and disheveled. Steve was still fully dressed, but his monstrous member was making his state of mind painfully obvious to everyone in the doorway.

"I heard the bed squeaking, so I barged in," Papa Urkel explained. "Your son had his mouth on that one's teat," he growled, pointing at Laura.

Laura blushed and looked away. He made her sound like a farm animal. She reached down and found her robe, slipping it on as their audience glared.

"Is this true, Steven?" Roberta demanded.

"Yes," Steve whimpered softly.

"How could you do that to her, Steven?" Herb barked. "After all we talked about today, you forced yourself on her like some kind of wolf?"

Laura's ears perked up at that. "Whoa," she interrupted. "He did NOT force himself on me. Steve has never done anything to me without my enthusiastic consent."

Papa Urkel rolled his eyes. "Your consent doesn't mean anything. That's not what intercourse is for. It's for a man and his wife to reproduce, but I don't think I want you carrying on the Urkel line, young lady, if you won't even respect our traditions."

Laura's eyes widened, and she looked at Steve. Was he not going to respond to that? Was he really not going to stand up for her? For their marriage?

"Papa Urkel," he said softly, "Laura respects our traditions. I'm the one who decided to break it."

"How much did you break it?" Papa Urkel continued. "Have you consummated your union with this… Jezebel?"

Steve cringed at that remark, but he didn't correct it.

Laura looked at him and saw how much this was hurting him. As much as she wanted him to stand up to these horrible people for them, she couldn't let them continue to torture him, waiting for him to finally break. "No, of course not," she lied. "We haven't consummated our marriage yet. We've just been waiting for so long, we got a little carried away tonight. I asked Steve to touch my breasts, and he just couldn't resist. It's my fault," she said to his parents. She turned to Papa Urkel. "But we won't be so reckless again until our three-month anniversary."

Papa Urkel hobbled into the room and moved to Steve's side of the bed, his cane thumping hard with each step. He held the cane up to Steve. "You should remind your wife that lying's a sin, boy."

"We have consummated our marriage," he squeaked. "It was a mistake, and I'm sorry I broke the tradition."

Papa Urkel glared at him and then turned. "Deal with your son, Herb," he growled as he hobbled out the door and back to bed, pushing through the crowd that had formed outside the door.

After he'd left, Herb slammed the door hard behind him. "Roberta, I need you and Laura to go into the other room."

"No," Laura said firmly. "Steve, I think we should go."

Steve finally looked at her again, and the sadness and shame in his eyes broke her heart. "No, Laura. I need to work this out with my family. You can go if you want, but I have to stay."

"Steve, I'm not leaving you here. I don't think this place is good for you. That's why I think we should go."

"Laura, this is my family. I need to work this out with them. Just give us a few minutes, ok?" he begged.

Laura breathed heavily and nervously. "Steve, I will be just on the other side of the door if you need me," she said as she stood and walked toward Roberta. They stepped out of the room and walked into Laura's room right next door.

Herb closed the door behind the ladies and stepped into the room. He moved to where Steve was sitting on the bed and sat beside him. "When you told Laura about the Urkel three months, what was her reaction?"

Steve swallowed hard. "All she said was, 'But, Steve!' and then I threw a tradition that was hundreds of years old out the window," he admitted uncomfortably.

Herb shook his head. "No, you didn't. I did. Your mother and I didn't wait that long either."

Steve's eyes widened, and he turned to him. "What?" he gasped. "How could you never tell me that?"

"I did," he argued, "in so many words. You knew you were a result of our honeymoon. You didn't put two and two together?"

"I thought you just went on a very belated honeymoon!"

"You're too smart to be that dumb, son," Herb said with a shake of his head.

Steve frowned and looked down at his lap, trying to process everything that was going on.

"Look, your mom and I don't care about the Urkel three months. We just care about you making it work with Laura. Is Laura happy with your sex life?"

"She says she is," Steve said, placing a hand on the back of his head and rubbing it anxiously.

"Are you taking to heart the things that we talked about earlier?"

"Some of it," Steve said uncomfortably, "But I can't have an open marriage, Dad, and Laura didn't seem to like any of the toys I brought home today."

"Son, monogamy is hard. I really think you should consider-"

"No, Herb!" Steve barked, standing up to tower over him. "Stop. I will never allow another man to touch my wife. I waited fifteen years for her, and I'm not sharing just because you want her to stay in the family so desperately you don't even care about my happiness."

Herb stood, reasserting his dominance. "Steven," he said firmly, "That's not it at all. All we care about is your happiness."

Steve guffawed. "WHAAAAAT?" he cried.

"Son, we don't care who you're with, but you've always told us that Laura would make you happy, that she was the only woman who could make you happy. We never thought you had a chance with her, but you proved us wrong. We're just trying to help you keep her."

"But all the stuff you said?" Steve nearly whimpered, feeling like a little boy again. "Some of it was just cruel." Righteous indignation toward his parents, whether he expressed it or not, always made him feel like a man. He could look back on his childhood and see their mistakes, see what they did to him, and that made him feel like he was in an older, wiser place in his life because he finally knew better. Having his father deny his interpretation completely made him feel like he was four years old again, and his father was screaming at him to stop talking to his imaginary friend, even though Dr. Polkafart was the only friend he had. He was telling him the world, as he perceived it, was wrong.

"Steve, I never said anything because I wanted to hurt you. I was just trying to make sure that you knew how to keep Laura happy so that you would stay this happy."

"By telling me that I would never be enough for her on my own? By destroying my confidence?"

"I'm sorry, Steve," Herb said immediately. "I never meant to do that to you. I had nothing but good intentions."

"Did you have good intentions when you missed my wedding?" Steve snapped.

Herb sat down again in utter shame. "No," he admitted, "that was selfishness. Steve, honestly, your mother and I thought you had lost your mind, and we knew Carl and Harriette Winslow would get you to a doctor if you had. We thought you were delusional, and we couldn't face it."

"Why would you think that?" Steve demanded as tears of anger began to sting his eyes. "Am I so hideous and irritating to you that you think it's more likely that I could slip into psychosis than make a pretty girl notice me?"

"No, Steve. Of course not, but you have to think about the information we had. When we left for Russia, Laura wanted nothing to do with you. Then one day you told us you were getting married. You never told us she was flirting with you, that she'd broken up with Stefan, that you were dating. Then one day, you called and said you were getting married. What did we ask you immediately after congratulating you?"

"You asked if you could talk to Laura," Steve remembered, "but she was in class."

"Yeah. You were home alone, so no one could corroborate your story. Steve, we were afraid of what we'd find if we'd gone to the wedding. Why didn't you just let us talk to her once before the wedding?"

"Because I was afraid of what you'd say to her. I was afraid you'd talk her out of it."

"We called after the wedding," Herb reminded him softly. "We had heard from everyone, and we wanted to apologize. You never answered."

Steve looked down. "I was mad, Pop! I was really, really mad at you guys. Plus, when Laura and I first got married, I got into a big fight with Carl, and I really wasn't having it with any father figures for a while. Those first few weeks, I practically didn't talk to anyone but Laura." He sat beside him again.

"Ok, so we haven't talked in a while. Then you show up here. We see her with you for the first time, and we're ecstatic. You had everything you'd ever wanted, but Laura has seemed really uneasy all weekend. We were just worried your marriage was already off track. I was worried the Urkel three months were making it harder on her. I was just trying to help."

"Laura's feeling uneasy because of you guys. It's not our marriage," Steve explained.

Herb paused. "Oh," he said. "Why's that?"

Steve widened his eyes and looked at him in shock. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. Seriously. We've been nothing but nice to her," he said pointedly.

"Yeah, but she's upset with you two for the way you've treated me my whole life and the way you've been treating me this weekend."

Herb frowned. "She's one to talk. She just hopped on the Steve Urkel train. She's gonna tell us we don't treat you well enough? Who nursed all those broken hearts she caused when you were kids?"

Steve glared at him. "Not you! And not Roberta! Nobody did! I was just left to be a miserable child!"

Herb frowned. "All right. Maybe we weren't there for you the way we should've been, but neither was she!"

"She doesn't have to be! She has chosen to become a part of my life. You two were supposed to. You're my parents. She was just a girl I loved. She never had to love me back. That's her decision. You were supposed to love me and care for me and be the dad that Carl Winslow has always been to his kids!" Steve froze after he said that. He'd never really said that to his father before. "Carl Winslow was a better dad to his weird, annoying neighbor than you ever were to me."

Pain read clearly on Herb's face. "Son, I'm sorry. You're right. I am a terrible father."

Steve stared at him for a long moment. Was that all he had to say for himself?

"I don't know what else you want me to say," he continued after a lengthy silence.

Steve sat beside him. "Me neither."

Laura was waiting right by the door for some sign from Steve that he needed her. She wasn't even thinking about Roberta until she spoke.

"I love my son," she said softly.

Laura turned to her. "What?"

"I know you think I don't love him. That Herb and I are neglectful or cruel, but I love my son. Maybe I didn't always show it the right way, but I love him. Maybe not the way other moms love their kids, maybe I'm not capable of that kind of love, but I love him more than anyone in this world. He's my son."

Laura turned back toward the door. She had no desire to be part of Steve's bitchy mother's pity party. "You've got a funny way of showing it."

"Laura, we tried with him. We tried so hard, but Steve is everything we're most ashamed of in ourselves. It was hard to deal with him when he made us feel so bad about ourselves."

Laura shook her head at her in disgust. "Seriously? You're most shameful traits are that you're kind and loving and generous? Oh, wait. You're not any of those things! I don't know how you two monsters could have ever raised a man as wonderful as him!"

Roberta looked away from her fiery glare. "I know he's a good man, Laura. I know that, but when we were raising him, before we used his transformation chamber, every time I looked at him, all I saw was the things I hated most about myself. He was geeky and weird. He had no social graces. He couldn't make a friend to save his life, and he was so lonely. I couldn't be in the same room with him without hating myself for passing all of my hardships on to my son whom I love." She paused for a moment. "I remember the day that he met you and fell in love. I was so nervous because it was his first day of kindergarten, and I knew that this was when it would start. He was going to figure out that he was different than the other kids, and he was going to be tortured, just like Herb and I were all through school. He came home that day over the moon, and he told me all about you. He told me that you were smart, kind, and pretty. Then he told me you made him eat Play-Doh, and I realized he didn't even know he had a bully yet. He didn't even know what a bully was. Then the next day, he came home in tears. He just cried and cried, and he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. It was hours before he finally told me that he had proposed to you, and you had said no."

Laura looked down as tears began to slide down her face. She had worked so hard to make everything up to Steve, but she was still haunted by the knowledge that she had hurt him so many times. He always downplayed it, but Roberta clearly wouldn't.

"I hated you that day, honestly. I've never hated a five year-old more, and I'm sure I never will. You were the person who showed my son that the real world was going to be cold to him. Herb and I were doing ok until he started school. We weren't perfect parents. We worked way too hard and way too much. Sometimes, Herb would be a little hard on Steve when he did something that reminded him of himself at that age. Sometimes I was a little too hard on him when he embarrassed me in public, but we were doing ok. That day, though, something broke in me. I was overwhelmed by the guilt I felt for putting another person into this cruel world who was as poorly equipped for it as I was. After that, I just couldn't comfort him. It got worse and worse for him. He'd come home covered in his own blood from bullies beating him up, and he'd know that there was no point in crying to me about it. He'd just go to the first-aid kit in the bathroom and take care of it himself. He'd sit at the window in our living room whenever he knew you were out on a date, and he'd cry to himself, just waiting for you to come home. I wanted to be there for him, but I couldn't. I couldn't."

Both women were crying openly now as they thought about the painful childhood they'd both allowed Steve to endure alone.

Laura shook her head. "But you were his mother!" she exclaimed. "You should've helped him through it! You should have told him you'd been through the same things. You should've told him how to get through it."

"But that's the thing, Laura! I never got through it! I didn't know how to help him because I was never happy with myself until I got into that transformation chamber and changed everything about me. I didn't know how to help him, and whenever I tried to help him, I was just trying to change him. I was trying to make him smaller so that people wouldn't notice him. That's what Herb and I had always done, but he rebelled against every effort we made to try and make him different. He just became louder and bigger and more confident, and I'm glad he did, because he's happy now! He's so clearly happy now! He's happy in a way that I've never been because he is happy, and he's still himself. I did everything wrong with him, but if he came out like this, maybe it wasn't so bad."

"No!" Laura exclaimed. "God, you don't even know your son! He's happy with me, but he is broken in so many ways. I love him, and I am doing my best to put him back together, but you and Herb broke him. He doesn't trust me. He can't trust me. He doesn't love himself. He says he does, but he doesn't love himself enough to believe that he's good enough for me. He's completely dependent on me for his emotional well-being because you couldn't teach him that he's enough."

Roberta nodded and wiped her tears. "I know, but you're going to be there for him, right?"

"Of course!" Laura exclaimed.

"He needs you now, Laura. He can't go back to the way it was before," Roberta pressed.

"I know that," she said firmly.

"That's why I was pushing you for grandkids earlier. It's a lot harder to leave when there are kids in the middle of it, and if you still managed to do it, at least then he'd still have a piece of you."

Laura sat on the bed as that conversation suddenly made sense to her. "Oh. Oh, Roberta, you don't have to worry about that. I want to have kids with Steve. I'm not ready yet, but it's gonna happen. There's no doubt in my mind about that."

"He'd feel better if it were sooner. We all would. Most Urkels, Laura, are deliriously optimistic, or they act that way, anyway, but good things don't come around that often for us. They certainly don't stay long. I promise you, Steve's waking up in the middle of the night with nightmares of you leaving him. When you're two minutes late getting home, he's thinking about what he could've done to drive you away. God, when you so much as look at another man, he starts bracing himself for the worst day of his life."

Laura glared at her. "I know that. You don't think I know all that? But that's exactly my point! I'm doing everything I can to make him feel safe, but he just can't because you, his parents, never gave him that feeling."

"You think that's something we did to him?" Roberta challenged. "Honey, that's what life's done to all of us. That's what I'm saying. Herb and I aren't perfect parents."

Laura rolled her eyes noticeably.

"But our parents were worse. Our parents never made us feel safe or loved or worthy. He and I never managed to make each other feel that way until recently. How can you expect us to do that for our son?"

Laura frowned. These kinds of relationships were often part of centuries-long cycles of abuse and neglect. She was lucky enough to come from a loving family. She knew how to create the same environment for her kids, but if Steve hadn't found her… If Steve has found someone who's family was as bad off as his, What example would he be working from? Without her and her family, Steve could've become his family. How can she hold it against Herb and Roberta that they found each other instead of someone who knew how to love? Really, she was beginning to feel bad for all of them. "You need to be here for him now… if he wants you to be. You need to change," she demanded eventually.

Roberta wiped the tears on her face and nodded. "I know. You're right. That's what we've been trying to do all weekend. Spend time with him. Support his decision to be with you."

"But you've been talking down to him!"

"We have. I know we have, but, Laura, it's gonna take us some time to figure out how to talk to him."

"You've had twenty-one years to figure that out. Steve's about out of patience," she said, standing up as the door began to open.

Herb walked into the room and looked at Laura. "Laura," he said softly, "I want to apologize to you."

Laura shook her head. These people will never get it. "I don't need you to apologize to me. I need you to apologize to Steve."

"I have," Herb pressed as Steve walked into the room behind him, "but this one's for you. I'm sorry that I haven't given you the benefit of the doubt. I've been treating you like you're easy, like you're going to drop Steve the second some hunky jock looks your way, but that was wrong of me. The fact is, Roberta and I don't know you very well anymore, Laura, and I don't think we ever really did. We have no right to believe Steve shouldn't trust you. I'm sorry."

Laura was almost shocked into silence. "Thank you, Herb. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that."

Steve smiled at Laura as he saw her begin to relax. "Dad and I had a really good talk, Sweetums."

"So did we," Laura replied, half-smiling at Roberta.

Steve took a deep breath and looked at everyone in the room. "Look, I think we all know things haven't been the way any of us have wanted them to be. Mom, Dad, I'd really like us to start over."

"Oh, me too, Steven," his mother replied as Herb nodded.

"But I think things have to be different this time," he said uncomfortably. He felt Laura's hand land on his back supportively. "You guys need to rest me with a little more respect."

"A lot more," Laura challenged.

"We'll try, Steven," Roberta promised.

"I know I'm not the son you wanted," Steve continued, "but I can't let you keep reminding me of that fact. I'm not gonna change anytime soon, and thankfully, the most important person in my life loves me just the way I am. I don't need your advice anymore. I don't want it. You guys have to earn back the right to tell me what I need to do to make her happy or to push her to take a step she's not ready for. Really, no one has that right, but at the very least, you guys have to prove you have my best interests at heart first. You have to tell my you love me and things that you're proud of me for, other than Laura, and you need to call every once in a while and tell me how your lives are going and ask about mine." He took a deep breath. "You need to tell me you love me," he said again.

"We do love you, Son," Herb said quickly, pulling Roberta close.

"We do," she agreed readily.

Steve smiled brightly. He looked back at Laura excitedly. He quickly wrapped his parents in a tight group hug. "I love you, too, Mom and Dad."

Laura watched nervously, waiting for them to mess up again. She placed a hand on her chest, begging her heart to slow down.

They didn't break the hug until Steve did.

"Ok," Roberta said softly, "so we'll see you two in the morning, right?"

"Absolutely," Steve beamed.

"Goodnight, kids. We love you," Roberta said again.

"Night, Mommy! We love you too!" Steve said just a little bit too loudly.

Herb paused in the doorway. "Steve, I love you," he said, clearly ramping up for a longer statement.

But Steve interrupted quickly. "Love you, too, Daddy!"

Laura exhaled softly. This was just too cute. There was no way it would end well.

Herb smiled and nodded sharply. "Right, but could you kids keep your hands to yourselves tonight? I won't rat you out for the adjoining rooms. That Myrtle is clever, little minx, but clearly, you're too loud to avoid getting busted, so let's not bring Papa Urkel back into this equation. Ok?"

Steve blushed deeply and nodded. "Yes, Sir."

"Goodnight, Laura. Goodnight, son."

"Goodnight," they replied in unison.

When he shut the door, Steve turned back to Laura. He couldn't help but smile. Laura smiled back at him. "Well, how are you feeling after all that?" she prompted gently.

"Incredible," he replied. "I really think it's gonna be different this time. I think going through the Transformation Chamber really did them good."

Laura nodded. "Maybe, but you know I'll be there for you no matter what, right?"

He stepped close to her and placed his hands on her lips. "Of course," he replied, "but I really hope this doesn't turn into a 'no matter what' situation."

"Me too," she agreed, grabbing his hand and leading him back into his room. "Let's get some sleep," she suggested.

They managed to fall asleep, even without satisfying each other beforehand, but about twenty minutes later, Laura awoke to Myrtle shaking her shoulder furiously.

"Laura, wake up!" she whispered loudly. Laura's eyes started to open, focusing in on Myrtle's face. She sat up suddenly and screamed loudly. Myrtle's hand covered her mouth to stop her from waking up every animal and Urkel on the farm. "Shhhh!" Myrtle scolded.

Laura relaxed as she saw who it was. She pushed her hand away and pulled the sheets tighter against her revealing nightie. She glanced at Steve who was somehow still fast asleep, a puddle of drool forming on his pillow as he snored loudly. "Myrtle, what are you doing?" Laura whispered.

Myrtle replied, "I need to talk to you about something. Come with me!" She got up quickly and walked out of Steve's room. Laura grabbed her robe and followed her out as she slipped it on. She shut the door as softly as possible behind them to avoid waking Steve. The girls tiptoed down to the kitchen, and Myrtle pulled out a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a tub of mayonnaise. She began to spread it on the cookies. She took a big bite and offered on to Laura. "Want some?" she asked, her mouth full.

Laura cringed and shook her head. "No thank you."

Myrtle shrugged. "More for me, I guess."

Laura hopped onto the kitchen counter and sat down. Myrtle did the same. "Myrtle," Laura began, "what's going on? I haven't seen you since Eric showed up."

"I know. That's because we went straight to bed and haven't come up for air. He's fast asleep up there. I tuckered him out," she giggled.

Laura smiled uncomfortably. "That doesn't surprise me. You can be… a lot."

"Yeah, well, that's kinda why I dragged you down here. I know I'm already a lot, but I just got 1/10 of a person bigger."

Laura cocked her head at her. "What?"

"I'm pregnant, Laura," Myrtle admitted sheepishly.

Laura's jaw dropped. "What? You're kidding! And it's… Eric's?"  
"Well, of course, it is! What kinda hussy do you think I am?" Myrtle demanded self-righteously.

"But you two were only together a few times in Chicago."  
"Yeah. We had a little… glove malfunction the first time, if you know what I mean."

"I do," Laura nodded, waving her hand to convince her there was no need to elaborate. She looked at her seriously for a moment. "You don't have to answer this question if you're not ready to yet, but have you thought about all your options? What are you gonna do?"

Myrtle's brow furrowed deeply. "I don't know, Laura. That's why I woke you up. I just don't know if I should go through with a shotgun wedding or try my luck as a single mom."

Laura hesitated slightly. "Well, what about your… _other _options?"

Myrtle cocked her head at her. "Like adoption? Oh, I could never do that. There's a lot of inner-generational know-how needed to raise an Urkel. If I gave a baby up for adoption, who would make him feel better when he was put in the soprano section of the choir and who would help her find women's pumps over a size 14?"

Laura cringed. "_Riiight_… But, you know, Myrtle, there is another option."

"What?"  
Laura leaned in closer. "You know… _abortion_?" Laura whispered.

Myrtle's eyes widened. "Oh, Laura! You can't be serious!"

"Why not?" Laura asked, growing offended. "There's nothing wrong with it. It's your right! I'm not saying you have to go that route, I'm just saying… It's an option."

Myrtle shrugged uncomfortably. "Would you… ever…?"

Laura shrugged back. "I don't know what I'd do, honestly. I'm not ready yet. I know that. I just hope I don't end up in your position until I am. No offense."

Myrtle nodded. "Yeah, well… I know I'm keeping the baby, Laura. Urkels don't get a lot of chances, and I want a big family. The kind I never had. The timing isn't ideal, but I'm keeping the baby."

Laura nodded. "Ok, so then the question is whether or not to get married? I'm much better at that one. I've done that one before," she chuckled.

Myrtle nodded. "Eric proposed, and I kinda had to drag it out of him, but it seemed to be the way he wanted to go. You know, we were raised in similar families. We were both taught that you get married when something like this happens."

"Right, but if you don't love him, Myrtle, it's not worth it. Marriage is hard. I mean… It's amazing. Steve is the best thing that's ever happened to me, but it's hard, combining your whole life with someone else's. If Steve weren't right for me, I think some of the speedbumps we've hit along the way would've done us in, and we're not even at our three-month anniversary yet," Laura explained. "I would just hate for you two to jump into something as hard as marriage and parenthood at the same time without being sure it's right for you, especially if those southern values might make you less likely to throw in the towel when you look up one day and realize that you're miserable."

Myrtle frowned deeply. "I s'pose this isn't where you saw my feminist awakening goin', huh?"

Laura laughed. "It's not, but I don't care about that, Myrtle. I just want you to be happy. Do you think marrying Eric will make you happy?"

"I think it will for awhile," she said. "Maybe it won't be forever, but I don't wanna do this alone."

"Hey," Laura said seriously. "No matter what you decide, you won't be doing this alone. Steve and I will always be there for you."

Myrtle smiled softly. "Thank you, Laura. I really appreciate that, but you know that's not the same."

Laura half-smiled. "Maybe not, but it's still true."

"Thank you," Myrtle replied, hugging her tightly.  
"You're welcome," Laura replied, hugging her back. As she pulled away she smiled. "So, what are you gonna name this poor kid?" she teased. "Bodean Bobby Joe Pick-Up Truck the third?"

Myrtle laughed and snorted, slapping Laura's bare knee as she began to clean up her cookies. "Are you gonna name your first born Jamal Davante Michael Jordan Chicago Bulls Jr.?" she joked.

"Obviously," Laura agreed.

"Alright! Then Bodean, it is!" Myrtle snorted. She paused for a moment. "I really don't mind Bodean," she said thoughtfully.

Laura laughed and started to walk back upstairs. "_Goodnight_, Myrtle!" she called firmly.

"Night, Sugar!"

When Myrtle made it back to bed, she kissed Eric gently. "Eric?" she cooed.

"Hmm?" he asked, half-awake.

"I will marry you," she agreed.

"Ok," he yawned, turning away from her. "We'll book a chapel in the morning, and then I'll call my Mama, and then we'll book the moonbounce."

Myrtle raised an eyebrow at him. "Boy, is that some weird family tradition or are you still straddling the fence between reality and nappyland?"

"Nappyland," he mumbled.

Myrtle chuckled and kissed his cheek. "Ok. I guess I'll just tell you again in the morning."

When Steve woke up, Laura was already in the shower. He sat up when he heard the water running and stretched. He stood to begin packing up their bags while he waited for his turn in the bathroom. He was just grateful he didn't have to share it with all the other Urkels like he usually had to do at these things. It was tough being the 47th Urkel to wash his feet in a tub. The scents were... interesting. He was grateful that Laura's first experience at an Urkel reunion had been at the extravagant Urkel Oaks. It was much more difficult for them to all fit in Aunt Oona's two bedroom apartment in Altoona, not that they hadn't done it before.

By the time Steve had finished collecting their things, Laura was done in the bathroom. She tiptoed out in case he was still asleep, fully dressed and stunning as always. "Morning, Baby!" she grinned, pleasantly surprised.

"Morning, Light of my Life," he purred, taking her into his arms and dipping her into a low kiss.

She squealed softly as he lifted her back up. "Whoa, Romeo! What did you sprinkle on your Corn Flakes?" she asked with a giggle.

"Nothing. I'm just happy," he chirped. "Is that a crime?"

"No," she said with a sympathetic smile, "but it is dangerously optimistic for an Urkel."

Steve shrugged. "Maybe it's finally my time."

Laura nodded nervously. "Maybe."

Steve stared at her for a long moment and then he kissed her again. "I love you," he whispered, holding her close.

"I love you, too, Steve," she replied immediately. She stared back at him and then she forced herself out of his arms. "If I didn't know better, I might be a little offended that you're so over the moon this morning," she said, putting her curling iron back in her suitcase. She hovered over her bags on the bed as she began to tuck away all of her bathroom supplies.

"Why?" Steve asked, sitting on the bed beside her bags.

"Oh, I don't know," she shrugged. "We've almost been married three months, and it's just… marrying me didn't seem to make you anywhere near as happy as having one good chat with your dad."

Steve's brow furrowed. "You're not serious," he chuckled.

She looked at him unconvincingly for a moment.

"Oh, Pumpkin, that's just dumb," he replied in surprise.

Laura glared at him. "Hey," she growled.

He stood, cane up behind her, and wrapped his arms around her. His hands rested softly on her tummy and he placed his chin on her shoulder. "Laura Lee, marrying you has made me happier than anything else in the world ever could. Last night, which never would have happened without you, I might add… Last night didn't make me happy. It lifted a weight off my shoulders. It's not that they made me happier than you do. It's that… Now that I'm not quite so broken inside, I can really feel how happy you make me."

Laura stopped what she was doing and turned to him. "You were broken inside?" she whimpered.

"You know that," he said softly.

Laura swallowed hard. "It feels différent hearing you say it."

Steve kisses her forehead softly. "I've been using all your love to fill the cracks in my heart," he whispered, "but now that my parents put a little grout in some of those cracks, your love is just overflowing. That's what you're seeing, my little, construction crouton."

Laura giggled softly at the name. "Ok, well, I'm glad to see you this happy, no matter what it's coming from," she said, still silently waiting for his high to come crashing down.

Steve smiled and kissed her deeply again. "I'm happy to be happy!" he chirped. "I'm gonna go hop in the shower. You go eat breakfast. I'll meet you downstairs with all our luggage, ok?" he quickly slapped her butt.

"Ok," she chuckled, jumping slightly and zipping up her bag.

When Laura made it downstairs, she grabbed a plate from the huge goodbye buffet Myrtle had the help put together. She put a few light foods on it and ducked out of the line early. She looked at the long, dining room table full of Urkels and sighed. She just couldn't stomach it anymore. There was something wrong with this family. It wasn't their horrible taste in food or their bizarre fashion choices that bothered her. It was the way they treated each other. There was something toxic here. It wasn't in all of them. That was clear. Myrtle was a total sweetheart, and Big Daddy loved his daughter the way Laura's dad loved her. Aunt Oona was cute, and OGD was a diamond in the rough. _Where is OGD?_ she wondered. Then, of course, her Steve was a saint in comparison to any of them. But a lot of these people… They were so insecure, they wouldn't hesitate to put you down. They were so desperate to fit in, many of their perspectives were shallow. Steve would probably say that what made him special was the example that the Winslows had set for him over the years, but it was more than that. There was something inside him that was different. He had a strength of character that could withstand decades of neglect, abuse, cruelty, and torture at the hands of both strangers he'd just met and the people he loved most. This weekend reinforced what she already knew: Steve Urkel needed a damn break. He had more than earned it, and she was never more determined to be that for him than she was as she stared at all of the Urkels chewing their breakfasts obnoxiously. She took another deep breath and turned. She made her way to the living room and sat down on the couch. She began to eat her yogurt in silent contemplation.

"Ughhh…"

She heard a mumbled, coarse groan from across the room. She looked up and saw Papa Urkel in the recliner again. "Oh! Good morning, Papa Urkel," she cringed.

"Good morning, Mary Magdalene," he grumbled, shifting in the recliner.

Laura pursed her lips and exhaled sharply. "I'll just leave you to it then," she said, standing to find a new spot.

"Wait, Laura," he barked.

Laura stopped and turned back to him.

"Sit down," he growled.

Laura day and crossed her legs.

"You're gonna take care of my boy, ain't ya?" he asked.

"Steve?" she exclaimed, surprise he considered Steve "his boy".

"Yes, Steve!" he barked.

"Yes, Papa Urkel. I will always take care of him."

"Steve's a good boy," Papa Urkel continued. "He may not always do everything right, and we may not agree on everything, but he has a good heart. He always tries to be good. I can't say that for all my kids and grandkids. He never let the world beat the kindness out of him… like it did me."

Laura frowned. "Oh, no, Papa Urkel, you're very-""

"Laura!" he snapped. "We talked about lyin' bein' a sin last night, did we not?"

Laura blushed and looked away.

"Steve deserves a woman who's gonna be as kind to him as he is to the world. Can you do that for him?"

"Yes," Laura agreed readily.

"You couldn't when you met when you were five or when you were 12 or 16 or 19!" he growled. "That boy's always loved you, and you've never treated him right. Why should I trust that you will now?"

Laura hesitated. She didn't really have an answer for that. "I don't know, Papa Urkel. I promise I will, but I understand why you wouldn't want to take me at my word. I think… I think you just need to trust Steve. He made the decision to marry me, even after I mistreated him for years. I think you just have to trust that Steve must see something in me that makes everything I put him through worth it."

Papa Urkel shook his head. "That boy may be a genius, but he's dumb as a box o' rocks. He sees the good in everybody. Even his parents."

Laura pursed her lips. "I'm not like them. Now that Steve is a part of me, I'm not gonna neglect him. Honestly, I can't imagine how anyone could ever treat their kid like that."

"My son's a terrible father, but I was a worse one," Papa Urkel explained. He coughed loudly and gasped for breath. "I see that in my old age. Still, I'm never gonna change, and neither is he. He thinks this Transformation Chamber did the trick, but it didn't. It was only the shallow stuff. The really mean parts of him aren't genetic. I beat them into him. Don't let him hurt Steve again. Don't trust him."

Laura shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I don't trust either one of them, but Steve does. I don't know what I can do."

"Just be prepared for when the other shoe drops," he suggested, coughing aggressively again.

Laura nodded. "Ok, I will," she agreed. She began to eat as Papa Urkel began to ignore her in favor of his stories.

Steve made it down a little later and forced her back into the dining room with his parents. Laura ate nearly silently as the three of them joked and laughed as if nothing had ever been wrong.

Finally, Urkels began to depart, and Steve was stalling. "Baby," Laura interrupted sharply, "we need to leave in fifteen minutes if we're gonna make it to the airport on time, so this time, I'm really gonna go get our luggage." She stood quickly, but he grabbed her arm and pulled her back down on the chair beside him.

"No, Sugar Knees. I'll get it in a minute," he said for the fifth time.

"No, Honey. We really need to go, so I'm gonna go grab it," she said urgently.

Steve stood quickly and grabbed her again.

"Steve!" she barked.

"No, I know. You're right. I just wasn't ready to go. I'll go get our luggage. You stay here with Ma and Pa and relax, Kitten."

"I can help," she suggested because she definitely didn't want to stay here with the Urkels for another second, even though she knew he would never let her carry a single bag.

"No sweat, my pet. I got it," he shrugged, turning to head up the stairs.

Laura followed him with her eyes, and then she turned back to Herb and Roberta. She smiled at them uncomfortably. _Ten more minutes. Ten more minutes_, she told herself over and over again.

"You still don't trust us, do you?" Roberta prompted gently.

Laura looked away from them. "Not really. I'm glad you're trying. I am. I just don't wanna see him get hurt again."

Herb nodded. "Neither do we. That's why we actually have a little favor to ask of you."

Laura tried to suprress the urge to roll her eyes. Just the people she wanted to do favors for! "Ok…"

Roberta and Herb exchanged a nervous glance. "Laura, we've already discussed how much Steve needs you. Do you promise you're going to be there to take care of him? For the rest of his life? No matter what?"

Laura frowned at them. It amazed her that they had the nerve to question her loyalty after all they'd put him through. "Absolutely, at least for the rest of my life."

"This isn't a phase?" Herb prompted. "This is going to be how you spend the rest of your life. Loving Steve Urkel. Making babies for Steve Urkel. Raising kids with him. Growing old with him. No matter what. That's the plan, right?"

"Yes, of course!" she exclaimed. "That's why I married him."

"Marriages end, Laura," Roberta argued.

"Ours won't!" she yelled.

"Laura, please keep your voice down. We have to have this conversation quickly and privately," Herb ordered softly.

Laura glowered at him. "What conversation?" she demanded in a harsh whisper.

"How do you know yours won't end?" Roberta prompted.

Laura looked back at her. "I don't know, because Steve would never let that happen. He would do anything in his power to make me happy, and honestly, I would do the same for him. I can't stand the thought of hurting him anymore than I already have."

"Good," Roberta nodded.

"So you're going to be there for him," Herb said. "We need you to take care of him… for us."  
Laura's brow furrowed. "_For you_? What does that mean?"

Herb swallowed hard and looked to Roberta. She looked down at her lap and didn't speak. Herb put on his bravest face and continued, "We don't know how to not hurt our son, Laura. I watched you as we ate today. We said at least fourteen things that literally made you cringe. As much as I would like to be, I don't know how to be Carl Winslow, so… we think it's best if… we don't contact Steve for awhile."  
Laura's jaw dropped. She must have misheard him. "What?"

"We're not gonna talk to Steve until we learn how to do it without making him hurt more."  
"So... what?" she demanded. "You're just gonna dodge his calls and throw out his letters?"

"Yes," Herb said firmly.

"Jesus," she gasped, leaning back in her chair. "You have to be kidding me. This has to be some sick, disgusting joke."

"It's not a joke, Laura. We just don't see how else we can protect him. We need you to do it for us. We can't," Roberta begged.

Laura looked at them in disgust. "Are you planning on telling him any of this? Or is that up to me, too?" she growled ferociously.

"We don't think you should tell him. It'll hurt him more if he knows. He'll get the hint eventually," Herb suggested.

"You're a monster. You both are. I can't believe anyone could do something so cruel to their own son."  
"We know what we are, Laura," Roberta snapped. "That's why we're doing this in the first place. I love my son. I don't wanna give him up, but more than that, I want him to be happy. You make him happy. We never have."

Laura shook her head and tried not to cry. She knew Steve would be back any minute. "This isn't a decision for you to make. If he wants to cut you out of his life because you're toxic, that should be his decision. Not yours."

"You know he'll never make that call," Herb said softly just as Steve returned.

As soon as he entered the dining room, Herb and Roberta plastered on the biggest, fakest smiles Laura had ever seen. She tried not to gag as she looked at them.

"Ok, my little, jet-setting jellyfish, we are all packed. Are you about ready?"

Laura forced herself to not look like she was about to vomit from rage and nodded. "Yeah. I'm ready whenever you are."

Steve took a deep breath and looked at his parents. "Mama, Papa," he said softly.

Laura couldn't watch this. "We've already said our goodbyes," she explained flatly. "I'm gonna go find Myrtle."

When she did, Myrtle was sitting outside on the patio with Eric by her side. There was a respectful distance between them, but it was clear how they felt about each other. Laura sat on the chair beside them. "Hey, you two," she smiled knowingly.

Eric looked her for a moment and then glanced back at Myrtle suspiciously. "Does she…?"

"Yes, Laura's my best gal pal. You know that. We talked last night."

"I was with you all night," he argued.

"We talked after I'd already knocked you out," Myrtle explained with a wink.

"Oh," Eric chuckled.

"So when's the wedding?" Laura grinned.

"Shhhhh…" Myrtle scolded. "He hasn't even asked Big Daddy for his blessing yet! Then he has to get my Mama's ring resized and plan an actual proposal. There are a lot of steps between here and there."

Laura knew Myrtle well. She smirked slightly and asked again, "When's the wedding?"

"September 25th! Plenty of time to get everything done, but I'll still be little."

Eric chuckled. "I'm not sure you've ever been little, Darlin'."

Myrtle elbowed him hard, and he curled over slightly.

Laura stood as Steve walked out onto the patio. She held out her arms for Myrtle. "I'm so happy for you, Myrtle," she said as they hugged tightly. Laura leaned in close to her ear. "Also, I left a little bachelorette present for you on your bed this morning," she whispered.

"When did you have time to go shopping?" she laughed.

"They're kind of a re-gift, but they've never been used, and I'm pretty sure you'll like them."

Myrtle leaned in closer. "Are they… naughty?" she whispered.

"Yes," Laura giggled.

Myrtle slapped her arm. "Girl, you so bad!" she giggled.

Steve made it to their end of the patio. "Ready to go, Gorgeous?" he asked, wrapping an arm around Laura.

"Yeah, Baby," she smiled up at him sweetly. "We'll see you at home, Eric," she said as Steve hugged Myrtle goodbye.

As they walked off the deck, Myrtle turned back to Eric. "Well, I guess it's time we talk to Big Daddy."

On their flight home, Laura kept stealing glances at Steve, pouting at him for a moment and hiding behind her novel again and again.

Eventually, Steve set down the new Scientific American he was reading and looked at her. He smiled softly. "Sweetheart?"

Laura set her novel in her lap and looked at him dead-on. "Yes, Steve?"

"If you don't say whatever it is you wanna say, you're gonna break your neck one of these times trying to hide behind that book fast enough."

Laura exhaled finally and frowned. "I'm sorry. I just…" She wasn't supposed to tell him, but their marriage was still new, and that was the last precedent she wanted to set. "I have to tell you something, and I'm not supposed to say anything, but I have to, and I really don't wanna be the one to do it. I don't think it should be me, but no one else is going to say anything. They made that perfectly clear, and I don't wanna hide anything from you, so-"

"Laura," he interrupted firmly, "just say it."

Laura frowned. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Your parents pulled me aside this morning and asked me to promise to make you happy."

Steve blinked. "What's wrong with that?" he asked in confusion.

"They made me promise," she continued, "to make you happy for the rest of our lives, because they think it's best if they don't talk to you for a while." She swallowed hard as she saw the crushing devastation on his face. "They said that they don't know how to be good parents, so they think it's best if they just stop being parents until they figure it out."

"Oh," Steve whimpered. "I thought we were finally turning things around."

Laura felt tears come to her eyes, but the last thing she wanted to do was make this all about her. "I did, too," she whispered as tears stole her voice. "I'm so sorry, Steve. I tried to tell them that they were wrong. I tried to tell them that you needed them to at least try, but they wouldn't listen. They just kept begging me to take care of you."

"And what did you say to that?" he asked gently, taking her hand.

Laura looked at him in surprise. "Of course, I agreed to take care of you. I would've done that anyway."

Steve leaned in closer to her. "Then I have everything I need."

"Steve, you don't have to minimize this to make me feel better," she pressed. "I know this is hurting you."

"It is," he agreed, "but continuing to try with them might have hurt, too. Maybe this is for the best. At least, now I know that I should focus all of my attention on my new family."

"Hm. I don't think the Winslows really need any more attention from you," she teased.

He laughed softly, not enough to snort. "Very funny, but not who I meant. I am going to focus all of my attention, Laura, on our new little family. You, me, our six perfect babies."

Laura raised her eyebrows at him. "Six? Who's going to carry the last four?" she demanded.

He chuckled. "We can decide that later. Point is, I'm ok. As long as I have a family, and you're in it, then I don't need them."

Laura shook her head slightly. "Steve, I'm still not ready to-"

"No, I know. I know. That's ok. That just means you'll get my undivided attention for a few more years. That's fine by me," he smiled softly.

Laura leaned her head closer to him. "Me too, and then, in a few years, you and I will have two amazing children."

"And then eight more!" Steve chirped with a laugh and a snort.

Laura giggled. "I'd really like to name our first baby Steven or Stephanie," Laura said.

Steve chuckled, "Whaaaat? Since when have you been thinking about baby names?"

Laura shrugged. "I don't know. You said you think that far ahead all the time, so I started thinking about that kind of stuff while I do an exercise tape or when I'm bored in class or whenever."

"I'm wearing you down, Baby! I'm wearing you doooown!" he exclaimed as she laughed hard. Steve smiled brightly. "You're thinking about having babies with me," he beamed.

Laura elbowed. "Shut up. You are, too."

"Like that's news to anybody!"

Laura giggled. "So, Steve Jr. or Stephanie?"

"No way! I'm not naming my kids after me!"

"Well, what do you wanna name them?"

"Oh, I've been planning that out since kindergarten. First'll come Laura Lee Urkel the second, then Carl Edward Urkel."

"What about my mother?" Laura laughed.

"I wasn't done yet!" Steve whined grumpily. "Then comes Estelle Harriette Urkel, then Rachel Marie; after Aunt Rachel and Marie Curie."

"Of course," Laura laughed again.

"Then Albert Isaac, after-"

"No, yeah, I got that one," Laura laughed.

Steve continued to list the names of their future children, all of whom were named after family members or scientists, until the end of their flight. When the Seatbelt Sign came on, he looked up at it and cocked his head. "Already?"

Laura laughed. "Yes, already! You've named 94 children!"

Steve puckered his lips. "Well, if we're gonna have that many, we might as well go for an even hundred."

Laura covered her face and laughed again. "Oh, God!" she whined. "My vagina hurts just thinking about it."

He laughed, snorted, and shushed her. "Keep it down, Potty Mouth!" he scolded, buckling his seatbelt.

She buckled hers and shrugged. "Sorry, but I'm nervous enough about having two." She leaned close to him. "It's hard enough getting your… huge… cock inside of me."

Steve shuttered. "Laura," he scolded again, grabbing her hand. He looked at her for a moment as she laughed again. Her smile warmed every inch of his body. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"I haven't thought about my parents dumping since we started this conversation… until right now," he frowned.

Laura gave him that look again. She leaned into him. "You and I are going to be much better parents, and we are going to make the smartest, most beautiful babies in the world," she promised.

He pulled back slightly to look at her seriously. "I don't care about that. I don't care about any of that as long as they're happy," he said firmly.

Laura looked at him, mildly surprised by the sincerity and the gravity of that statement. "They will be," she promised. "Our children will be very happy."

"Good," he nodded, relaxing slightly and putting an arm around her shoulders. "That's all I want. I don't care if they're boys or girls or if they're dumb or ugly or if we have a thousand or just one. I just want them to have a happy childhood and turn into happy, emotionally healthy adults."

"That's all I want, too, Steve. None of the other stuff matters as long as they're happy," Laura agreed.

Steve looked at her, pain flickering in his eyes. "Will you teach me how to make them happy?"

Laura cocked her head at him as she noticed his eyes were growing wet. "Yes," she agreed. "You already know how. I promise you do, but I'll teach you. I'll make sure they're happy."

"Thank you, Laura Lee," he whispered in her ear, leaning closer to her.

"And I'll make sure you're happy," she promised leaning into him, too. "I'll make sure you have everything you want," she said.

"All I want is you," he whispered, kissing her head.

"You have me," she promised for the millionth time.

When they got back to the apartment, Steve carried their luggage in silently. Laura followed behind him and closed the door. He sighed deeply and hauled their bags back to their bedroom. Then he returned to Laura. Laura looked at him sympathetically and placed her hands in her back pockets, waiting for him to take the lead. He looked at her for a long moment, and then he approached her. He put his hands on her hips and pulled into a tight hug. "I had to get you into my arms, so I wouldn't have to keep seeing that look you're giving me," he whispered in her ear.

Laura laughed softly. She was busted. She pulled back and looked him in the eye again. "I'm sorry, Baby. I just don't know what to say or do to make this better."

Steve smiled softly. "You can't make everything all better, my pet, but you make everything better just by being you."

Laura smiled back, touched by his wordplay. "Seriously? How are you trying to make me feel better, right now?" she pressed.

"Making you feel better is a good distraction for me," he shrugged. "Look, Sweetums, I might be a little off for a couple days, but I'll be ok. Just act like everything is normal, and it'll go back to normal."

"But it won't go back to the way it was this morning? When all my love was making your light overflow?"

Steve shrugged. "Maybe someday, but for a while, I'm just gonna need your love to survive."

Laura nodded. "Ok," she agreed softly.

Steve cocked his head at her. "Don't do this to me, Babycakes. Don't make me feel bad for making you feel sad," he whined.

Laura took a deep breath and exhaled. "Ok. I'm sorry. I'll stop. We just need a distraction."

Steve nodded in agreement. "Let's go unpack," he suggested, heading back into the bedroom.

They unpacked quickly, since it was only a weekend, but the awkward silence was lingering as Laura tried not to look at Steve in the way he didn't like, but also struggled to remember how to look at him the way he did like. Then she reached the bottom of her suitcase. She smiled to herself immediately. Now, there was a distraction. She looked up at Steve and clasped an object behind her back. "Wanna watch a movie?" she asked innocently.

Steve looked up at her, relieved to hear a little happiness in her melodic voice. "Sure, Movie Buff! Watcha got in mind? Should we take a trip to Blockbuster?"

"Oh, no," she said, holding back a giggle. "I have something here. Finish unpacking, and I'll go set it up."

Steve looked at her oddly. "Ok," He shrugged, half-smiling at the giddy look on her face.

"See you in a minute," she winked, walking out with the tape hidden carefully under her top.

A few minutes later, Steve met Laura on the couch. She had closed all the blinds and placed the tape in the VCR. All she had to do was hit play. Laura cuddled close to him as she sat down. "Ready?" she asked softly.

"Sure. What's this movie about?" he asked, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

She bit her lip thoughtfully. "It's about a couple, who have known each other forever, and who love each other more deeply than they've ever loved anyone. They've waited their whole lives to have each other. They're newlyweds, and all they wanna do is spend all their time alone together, but the world keeps trying to get in their way. This movie is about them finding time for each other."

Steve smiled. "Sounds familiar," he chuckled, kissing her head.

"It should," she giggled, pressing play.

"Should I go make us… some… popcorn?" he trailed off as he saw the Urkel Oaks barn come on the screen. He heard Laura's giggle through the tv speaker. "Laura, what is this?" He gasped as she led him into the barn.

Laura giggled and leaned into his ear. "Myrtle slipped our naughty, little movie into my luggage," she whispered in his ear.

"WHAT?" he bellowed as the on-screen Laura dropped her dress to the ground. He quickly took the remote from Laura's hands and turned off the tv. "Laura! We have to destroy that! Why are you trying to trick me into watching this?!"

"I'm not trying to trick you into watching it," Laura said defensively. "I just thought it might be fun," she pouted. "Aren't you at all curious what we look like?"

"No!" he bellowed. "Laura, I'm not gonna objectify you like a pornography star!"

"Steve, it's not objectifying me. We're watching it together. It's just a video of us making love. No one else will ever see it. It's not real porn. It's not objectifying. It's just fun, or it should be."

"Laura, I've never even seen a dirty movie."

Laura's brow furrowed. "Never?"

"Of course not!" he bellowed. Laura looked away guiltily and caught his attention. "Laura Lee Urkel, have you?"

She pursed her lips. "Well, yeah," she shrugged uncomfortably.

He gasped loudly and reeled back. "What?! When?" he demanded.

"Well, not on a regular basis or anything. Just… when we were like… 14, Max and I found one of her dad's at a sleepover, and we watched some of it."

Steve stared at her in shock. "How much of it?"

"All of it?" she shrugged uncomfortably.

"So, you've seen another man's… weapon of mass destruction?" he whispered.

"Well, it was actually called… 'Ebony Elevator Orgy 6', So there were… multiple weapons involved."

"Did you watch the first five movies, too?" he demanded bitterly.

"You've seen other women naked, too, Steve," she reminded him.

"I have not!"

"Your bachelor party!"

"That was only their… fun bags," he said, making a honking motion over his chest. "Plus, they wore little stickers over the good parts anyway."

Laura pursed her lips. "Fine, but you've never seen a dirty magazine or anything? God, Steve, you shared a room with Eddie for two years! I'd find that pretty hard to believe."

Steve nodded. "Well, I came across his… art collection on occasion when I was cleaning, but I always put them right back where I found them just after reading the title. I did peruse the swimsuit editions from time to time," he admitted guiltily.

Laura rolled her eyes. "Ok, so I'm a pervert, and you're a saint. Glad we finally figured that out."

Steve laughed and snorted, wrapping an arm around her shoulders again. "That's not what I meant," he corrected. "I'm just surprised you watched one. That's all."

"We were young, and we were curious, and I didn't like it. I never watched another one. I think it traumatized me a little bit, actually," she laughed.

"So why do you wanna watch our little flick so bad?"

She smiled to herself. "Because this is different. This is us, Steve. I love making love to you, and I _do _wanna see how hot we look. It's… naughty, but being naughty with you is always really exciting," she purred.

Steve smiled softly. She had a point. "Ok," he agreed excitedly, turning the TV back on.

The tape had kept rolling without them, and Steve was already deep inside her, pounding into her quickly. "You're so wet," he growled on-screen.

"Yeah, Baby. I'm so wet for you. Keep going. Just like that," she encouraged.

"Oh, wow," Laura laughed, cuddling closer to him on the couch. "We're already into it, huh? That didn't take us long!" she giggled.

Steve swallowed hard as he stared at her beautiful body being projected on their small-ish screen. He glanced behind him to make sure the blinds were really closed.

"Relax, Steve," she whispered in his ear. "This is supposed to be fun, remember?"

He nodded nervously.

She giggled softly. "Oh, God, you are so big," she purred. "I mean, you look big when I watch you going inside me over and over again, but damn, boy. Look at you. Somehow, you look bigger from a distance."

Steve looked at his member on the the screen. She wasn't wrong. "Look at how you jiggle," he whispered back. "That big booty," he growled.

She giggled again. "Mmm… You like that?" She kissed his earlobe and nibbled it gently. "Is that the kinda dirty movie you woulda been watching back in the day, Baby? Black babes with bouncing booties?"  
Steve bit his lip as he continued to watch the movie. "Yeah," he growled, "so I could imagine it was you."

Laura looked down at his lap as she heard the pitch in his voice get low. He was fully hard now, and it showed. "God, Baby," she breathed, looking back at the screen.

"Yes, Steve," her stunt-double moaned in their naughty film premiere. "Give it to me."

"Yes," she purred in his ear. "I love watching you give it to me."

Steve swallowed hard and reached beside him. He pulled her onto his lap as she giggled loudly. They cuddled closer as they both continued to watch intently.

On screen, they pulled apart, talked for a moment, and switched positions. They watched closely as Steve worked hard to send Laura to ecstasy.

"Oh, my God!" she gasped as she paused the tape. "Is that what I look like when I come?"  
Steve was biting his lip hard. "Uh-huh," he nodded, shifting her slightly in his lap.

"I look like I'm possessed with a demon AND about to sneeze! That's so gross!" she laughed, covering her mouth in embarrassment.

Steve looked up at her in surprise. "Baby, you can't be serious. I love that face. That face is so sexy," he rumbled from low in his belly.

Laura felt a chill run up her spine when he said that. She swallowed hard.

"I picture that face all the time," he growled.

"Yeah, because it haunts your dreams!" she laughed.

He laughed and snorted. "No, because it turns me on." He pressed play again. "Look at the way you tremble, too."

Her loud scream echoed through the apartment. "STEVE!"

Laura licked her lips. Ok, she at least sounded kind of hot.

"Mmmmm…" Steve moaned as he heard her yell his name.

Laura wiggled back on his lap slightly. "Watch this, Baby," she purred, knowing she was about to take him into her mouth.

Steve gasped as she did. "Oh, wow… That's impressive."  
"Thank you," she grinned.

"In the heat of the moment, it just feels… natural, but that looks… challenging."

Laura nodded. "I think I still need a little more practice," she purred. She leaned down to his ear again. "God, I can't wait 'til we get to watch you come."

Steve started to breathe harder. "Almost, my little, vixen," he said, pulling her closer. "Almost."

They watched intently until he finally reached a breaking point. "Laaaaaauraaaaaa!" he bellowed.

"Ewwwwww!" Steve whined.

Laura was snapped out of the sexy trance the video had placed her in. "What? What's wrong?"  
"That's the face _I _make?!"

Laura giggled. "Yes! Isn't it weird to see yourself do that?"  
"Yes! Laura, what is wrong with you? How can _that_ turn you on?"

"Because… That's _my man's_ o-face. I don't think anyone really looks hot coming if you take their face out of context, but _my man_… coming in _my_ mouth… moaning _my_ name. That face looks so damn sexy to me."

Steve thought for a moment. "I think you're just a pervert," he nodded thoughtfully.

"Ah!" Laura gasped in offense. She grabbed a pillow from the couch and smacked him with it. "You prude!" she teased.

He laughed and snorted. He reached forward, grabbed the remote, and stopped the tape and turned off the TV. "So…" he began, running a hand up and down her thigh. "Wanna go… reenact it?" he suggested casually.

Laura leapt up from his lap immediately. "God, yes," she agreed, moving quickly to the bedroom. She opened the door for him as he followed right behind her. She slapped his butt on his way past her and closed the door firmly behind them.

A little less than an hour later, there was a loud pounding at their door. Though they tried to ignore it, it was clear the person would not be going away. They both put on a robe and walked out to their door.

Steve looked through the peephole as Laura stood beside him, deeply concerned.

"Oh, my gosh!" Steve exclaimed, whipping the door open. "Myrtle! What are you doing here?"

Eric was at her side, an arm around her to comfort her, but she quickly pulled away and ran into the apartment. She ran immediately to their couch and plopped herself down. She thrust her face dramatically into the couch cushion and began to sob. "Laura, we told Big Daddy!" she wailed.

Laura moved to sit by her on the couch. She placed a hand on her back to comfort her and Myrtle immediately moved to bury her face in her lap. She blew her nose loudly on her robe. "And I guess it didn't go well?" she asked softly.

"No! He cut me off!" she exclaimed, sitting up.

"Cut you off?! Why? What's going on?!" Steve demanded urgently, completely left out of the conversation.

"He said… He said…" Myrtle stammered. She couldn't even say it. She thrust her head back into Laura's lap.

Eric stepped up to explain. "He said that she shouldn't throw her life away, marrying some boy she barely knows and having a baby so young. He said he wouldn't pay for anything but her tuition from now on because he thinks she's making a huge mistake. He didn't want her to have the baby at all."

"BABY!" Steve exclaimed, still completely in the dark.

Myrtle sat up straight again. "So I told him that I didn't need his money. That I had love and a little family on the way, and that that was all anyone really needed. That it was better than most Urkel women ever got, so I packed up the few things he let me take, and we piled into a cab to the airport because I don't even get to keep my MERCEDES!" she wailed.

"I bought her a plane ticket, and she's moving in with me," Eric explained.

"But you're not married!" Steve gasped, not even close to keeping up with all that was happening.

"AND NOW, I'M POOR LIKE YOU TWO!" Myrtle screamed into Laura's lap as she sobbed.

Laura rolled her eyes and stroked Myrtle's back. "It's gonna be ok, Honey," she promised. "You guys will figure it all out."

Myrtle sat up and looked at her. "You think?" she asked almost calmly.

"I'm sure of it," Laura said, though it wasn't a total truth. "And you know what?"

"What?" Myrtle sniffled.

"Now you will live right across the hall from two amazing babysitters," she promised.

Myrtle pouted at her. "You two will really watch the baby?" she asked gratefully.

"Of course, we will!" Laura promised.

"WHAT BABY?!" Steve cried.

"Thank you, Laura," Myrtle said, hugging her tightly.

"You're welcome, Myrtle," Laura replied, hugging her back just as tightly.

Myrtle pulled away and wiped her eyes. Her face was covered with smeared makeup. "We should get going. Let you two get back to your evening." Myrtle looked around and noticed there was no dinner cooking. The TV was off. Nothing seemed to be happening here at all. "What exactly is it you two were doing?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at their robes.

Steve looked down at his bare feet as Laura smirked at Myrtle. "Watching a movie," she admitted with an embarrassed grin.


End file.
